Shaky Return
by killikate
Summary: Wrapping my arms around my knees and tucking my head I repeated the words, "You're not real. This isn't real. I'm not crazy." Set in NM. When Edward returns unexpectedly, Bella has an emotional reaction and will need more than one late night talk to fix her broken heart. Some mature themes like alcohol and drug use, Canon.
1. The Solid Ghost

My old truck chugged its way up the Cullen's driveway. I didn't like coming here, to _his_ house, but I had to drop off the monthly package of cash that I coincidentally won from a scholarship. He must think I'm an idiot to believe I was lucky enough to win a scholarship, that I didn't even apply for, which gave me $5,000 a month with no strings attached. Of course, there was no way for me to turn it down. I had exhausted all avenues, made phone calls, emails, refused delivery, and harassed the bank but nothing would make it stop. Burning the money was a possibility but then I was indirectly accepting it. Now, each month when it came, I made the painful journey down memory lane to drop the unopened package on their dinning room table. Maybe in 100 years, after I'm dead a gone, they'll get their stupid money back.

I had a little help to make it through this journey. Since _he_ left, I found the comfort of drugs and alcohol. It wasn't something I frequently used but it could bring me some escape and remind me what it meant to be happy. Unknowingly it pleased Charlie. To him, I spent every other weekend at a friend's house in Port Angeles. My new friends were not the best influence, but they were good people and whether Charlie suspected anything, I did not know. I never came home drunk or obviously high but he was a cop and if he noticed something then he was turning a blind eye to in. My depression has been hard on us all and it is the only thing that brought some life back into me. This was one of the rare times I used these aids away from my friends.

Any thought of _him,_ of _them_ , still caused me great pain. My throat would close up and I'd clutch my chest to hold what was left of me together. It was unbearable. I didn't want to forget them, but I wasn't strong enough to remember them either. The conundrum made me crazy. I would see _him_! Hallucinations would follow me whether I was sober or not. He would yell at me, warn me, smile at me, and it was beautiful. I loved every second of it. Yet, I did not understand how to control it or anticipate it. He just came and went as he pleased.

Now a little high, I drove up the long driveway to do what I had to do. As the house came into view my arm wrapped around my torso and I reminded myself to breath. _It's going to be okay. Don't think about it._ I shut off the engine, took one last hit from my pipe and stepped out of the car. I grabbed the package from the cab and walked straight up the stairs and threw the front door, they had never bothered to lock it. Something seemed different. I looked around but couldn't place it. Knowing not to trust my mind anyways I continued forward into the dinning room and dropped the box of money on the table. _So far, so good._ I turned towards the kitchen for a glass of whiskey before I left. I had hidden a few things in the house and knew I would need it to settle myself for the trip back home. As hard as it was to come here, leaving was even harder. Sorrowful feelings of goodbyes haunted me every time I left, and memories of the last time I saw Alice, Esme, Emmett and the rest plagued my mind.

I pushed open the kitchen door and there stood my beautiful angel. With a slightly startled expression his lips seemed to whisper my name, "Bella". I paused only long enough for my lips to curl into a sly smile. I would suffer for this later, but these hallucinations were what I lived for. He never appeared to me in this house before, I could almost pretend that I was living in a different time, a happier time.

The bottle was in the cabinet and I moved towards it without taking my eyes off him. My heart was soring, and I was in paradise. His eyes were black and bore into mine, his amber hair messed up as I always remembered and his white, marble skin called to me. He was beautiful, and I wanted to hear his voice. Would he yell at me today? Almost immediately I got what I wanted.

As I pulled down a glass he asked, "What are you doing?" A concerned look covered his face and I smiled sheepishly at him. As if my mind could conjure up something that didn't know what I do on occasion. I took a sip.

"Drinking is not healthy for you Bella. I hope this isn't something you do often." I rolled my eyes. _This daydream is going to chastise me today_. _Go ahead, I'll hear it happily,_ I thought. My smile grew larger in anticipation but nothing more came. Instead the look of concern turned to a face full of pain and guilt. The angel cast its eyes down and spoke again.

"Bella, I know things have probably changed and you hate me, but leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. Might you have it in your heart to hear me out?"

My body froze, and all the blood drained from my face. What was this ghost saying! I wasn't so far gone to make up such a painful hallucination. To imagine words that could never be true. My delusions never spoke of such things. I couldn't fathom the words and angry rushed over me. Before I knew it, I hurled the glass at the unbelievable vision and it shattered. Pieces flew and clattered to the ground.

Hurt and shocked, Edward raise his hands in surrender. "You have every right to be angry-"

"Shut-Up!" I screamed. My eyes bulged as I comprehended what I just saw. The glass broke against his body, it should have gone right through him! Slowly, I lifted my arm and stepped towards him.

"Bel-," he stared.

"Shush!" I refused to hear another word.

Close enough now, I reached my hand out to touch his shoulder. It was solid. It was cold, hard and definitely there. I could not move. What was I touching? What was happening? Was Edward really here? I looked up into his eyes and he gave me a sympathetic smile.

 _No_. I yanked my arm away and stepped back. _No_. This can't be real. He would never come back. He does not love me. I am only a stupid human and a distraction for him.

I could not breath, my head shook back and forth, and my feet pulled me backwards. _Have I gone crazy? Is it the drugs? Were they laced?_ "I'm crazy. I'm crazy." A few steps backwards, "I've gone crazy."

My angel took a step towards me. Confusion, concern and hesitation crossing his face.

Hitting the kitchen wall, I shook my head and slid my back down it. "You're not real. This isn't real." Wrapping my arms around my knees and tucking my head I repeated the words, "You're not real. This isn't real. I'm not crazy." Eyes squeezed shut, tears streamed down my face and I was hyperventilating. I continued to repeat the words, "You're not real. This isn't real. I'm not crazy." I just had to get ahold of myself, he would disappear soon.

Then came the most heart shattering voice. "It's okay sweetie. You're not crazy. We're real." Esme's tender, caring voice penetrated me and I could not take it. I do not hallucinate anyone else's voice. This was too much. My brain could not comprehend. When an icy touch caressed my forearm, I jumped to me feet and ran.

My senses shut down, I saw nothing as I rushed through the dinning room. The calls from behind did not reach my ears as I lunged through the front door and my clumsiness was held at bay until I reached my truck. There, I dropped my keys and, in my fumble, kicked them further under my truck. I dropped to my knees and grabbed for them in desperation. In my crouched position I could see their feet on the porch. They were there. Watching me.

The sobs came forward and I could do nothing to move. I was paralyzed by my despair and curled into a ball on the ground. Crying in hysteria, I laid there, waiting for the end.


	2. Fate's Decision

**Thank you for all the encouraging reviews! Because you demanded it, here it is. Enjoy.**

Edwards POV

The familiar smell of the moist and mossy Fork's forest penetrated my senses as a ran as fast as I could to our old home. I immediately made my way out of South America to Fork's upon receiving Alice's text message.

 _'We are all moving back to Forks and do not care what you think.'_

That message came with no warning and no explanation. And despite my insistent calling to every member in the family, no one would pick up to tell me anything. I was being completely ignored. It was infuriating that they would disobey my wishes and go back! I have been suffering for months to keep myself away and was not going to let them ruin it. I have moved, without question, for each of them in the past, and now that I ask them to do the same they ignore my wishes and deliberately go against me. I had no choice but to go back and try to intercept their meddling before it ruined everything I was trying to do.

Bella deserved a normal life, free of all the troubles of my world. She deserved to go to college, get married, have children and grow old. I would endure all the torment of being away from her if that meant she could have that. My family being back in Forks would steal her chances for a normal future. I had to stop them.

I ran straight through the trees and into the clearing. They had not been here long, I could hear them scattered around the house, removing furniture covers and readying it for move in. How dare they come back here! I stormed into the kitchen and straight up to Alice whom had been waiting for me.

"What is the meaning of this!" I yelled, "None of you should be here!"

Alice stood her ground with crossed arms looking just as angry as me. Jasper appeared at her side in a protective stance, sensing my violent rage. Carlisle and Esme also came into the room, their thoughts reflecting joy of my return, concern for my appearance and state of mind and guilt that they had betrayed my decision. Emmett and Rosalie stayed in the other room, choosing to stay out of the impending fight. None had a chance to speak before Alice threw her raging accusations at me.

"Edward you are a stupid idiot! This is the worst decision you have EVER made in your life. Your actions have not only hurt Bella and yourself but everyone in this family!"

"Regardless of your _opinion_ Alice, this was my decision to make and I expect you to respect that," I retorted. "I have never made a fuss when we've had to move for anyone else." My eyes glanced towards her mate.

"This is completely different! Look at the harm you are doing!" Images flashed through her mind of Bella thin, pale and expressionless. Laying with lifeless eyes on her bed, hardwood floors and the forest dirt. Walking mindlessly through the school halls alone. Empty moments of silent dinners and pained responses.

"Stop it," I pleaded. It was excruciating to see my Bella alone and suffering, as if she was a walking zombie. I knew it wouldn't be easy for her. Even if she was a changing human that would eventually move on, she would have to endure the heartbreak I left her with. My obvious agony at these pictures didn't stop Alice as she continued to throw visions at me. Charlie hugging her late at night as she cries and clings to his shoulders. Surrounded by strangers drinking beer. Passed out on a bathroom floor with puke in her hair.

I turned to Carlisle and blocked her out. "You promised we'd leave her alone. That this was my business and my decision." I was hurt that my oldest friend and role model would betray me like this. Carlisle's face was conflicted and guilty, but when he turned to look at Esme, who might be crying if she could, it shifted into that of sympathy and sadness.

"We know you Edward," he stated. "What will you do if we stay away, she lives her life and eventually dies?" His eyebrow rose, begging the question. He knew all too well I didn't want to stay on this earth if she wasn't here to walk on it. Even while she is alive, I'm a complete wreck from being separate from her.

"Edward we all want you here. And to be happy," Esme chimed in. Her mind filled with memories of the months Bella and I spent together. Of our playful moments and smiling faces.

 _'She made you a better person'_ Carlisle thought with his mind running through the first day I met her. With blood crazed eyes, I maintain my self-control and drove away from him and Fork's hospital, escaping to Alaska. He remembered me leaning over her in the ballet studio and painfully pulling myself away from her delicious blood.

"We can't be selfish," I exclaimed. "Bella's life . . ." I trailed off as the familiar sound of an old truck engine in the distance reached my ears.

Everyone froze, and I glanced at Alice questionably. _Had she invited Bella to the house?_ "We haven't made contact with her," Alice answered. "As far as she knows, no one is here."

My eyes glazed over, staring at nothing while my senses picked up everything coming from her. Rubber tires rolled over the long driveway of dirt and rocks, metal clanks from the old engine and the roar of the beast itself. Her breath was shallow and her heartbeat even. She played no music nor said any words. In my mind I played every second of her ascent to the house, seeing my imagination better than what was actually in front of me. I hardly noticed as the others left the kitchen, sneaking into the forest and upper rooms to hide.

I still had control; this was still my decision. Bella didn't know we were here and if I hid things would continue as if we never came back. My mind screamed at me that I should run. _She must not know that I'm here. I am nothing but a monster and a danger to her. This world was not meant for her and she deserves a normal human life. I need to run now. I need to get away, I've walked away before I can do it again._ This logic raced through my head, but I could not move.

Every cell of my body yearned to run towards her. She was everything to me and only a few yards away. I could see her, hear her voice, and smell her right now if I moved forward. She was in my reach and I wanted her. To look into her brown eyes and feel the warmth of her hand. Every moment we'd shared, every look she'd given me ran through my head.

The internal conflict to run away or to run forward left me paralyzed in indecision. I remained standing in the kitchen, staining my ears as she broke through the tree line. Her breathing and heart beat quickened as the house came into her view. She took deep breaths as if to calm herself and parked the truck at the front door. The engine was shut off, the sound of jingling keys, the flick of a lighter, fumbling hands, crinkling of cardboard, the squish of dirt and gravel under rubber shoes and the creak and slam of the truck door all pulsed through my ears. I hung onto every step as her feet trudged over dirt and onto the front steps. _Thump, thump, thump_. As if her movements held the beat of my dead heart.

After turning the door handle and letting herself in, then did she pause. In that second, I came back to myself and all my uncertainty raged within my head. _You should run. You should go to her. You should run, get out of here before she sees you. You should go to her, hold her hand and beg for forgiveness._ Still, I stood in the same spot, not moving. Leaving what happens to fate, I could not decide.

Bella took a deep breath from the entry way and walked forward into the dinning room. A soft thud echoed through the house as something landed on the table. I was not lost to the fact that my Bella stood mere feet away from me, just on the other side of the wall. Every nerve in my body was electrified and calling me to move closer. I heard her move through the room and open the kitchen door in front of me.

There she stood, a beautiful being sent from heaven. The smell of her blood flew at me with the swing of the door. My throat burned with familiarity and pleasurable torture. It did not fill me with blood lust like it had in the past, rather was a testament to her life and presence. Her warm, brown eyes bore straight into mine and from my lips escaped a sacrament. "Bella," I whispered.

The sides of her lips twitched upwards into a shy smile, as if meeting an old friend. I was held in complete awe as she advanced towards the kitchen cabinets. Fate made the decision I was to weak to, and the part of me that said to run was indefinitely silenced. There was no way I could ever leave her. My heart, soul and very existence belonged to her. I was her prisoner and happy for it. How could I ever think of staying away from this holy creature, whose magnetic field called out to me.

Appearing from the cabinet, Bella pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniel's whisky and started pouring some into a glass. "What are you doing?" I asked, the images I'd seen from Alice crossed my mind. Of Bella drinking beer with strangers, stumbling around unknown living rooms and puking into toilets. Bella smiled unashamed at me, her eyebrows slightly lifted as if I had asked a very stupid question.

"Drinking is not healthy for you Bella. I hope this isn't something you do often." I was quiet concerned now, this was not normal behavior for her nor was it healthy or wise. Rolling her eyes, she took a sip from the glass and stared at me. Her smile growing with a look of anticipation. As much as this worried me, it wasn't my right to say anything. I left her after-all. I wanted her to be human and this was a human thing wasn't it?

If anything, it was my fault she was drinking. I had seen in Alice's head the state shes been in since our leaving. If I hadn't left she wouldn't have found comfort in them, she wouldn't be this thin and pale. Her eyes would still shine with the passion of life. Alice was right, I am a stupid idiot, and this was the worst mistake of my life.

I hung my head in shame. "Bella, I know things have probably changed and you hate me," _of course she hated me,_ I thought. _I abandoned her._ The Bella that loved me would have ran into my arms. "But leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. Might you have it in your heart to hear me out?" If she could give me one chance to redeem myself I would do anything. I would gravel at her feet and beg her forgiveness. I would give her anything, even change her if she wanted. If she doesn't want me than I don't need to be her boyfriend, just a part of her life. To be in her presence was enough for me.

The angel's face changed. The smile disappeared, replaced with an agonized grimace. Her faced turned ghostly white and her free arm wrapped around her torso. Her heart beat erratically. It was confirmation enough that she indeed hated me, that I had ruined my one chance at happiness and wounded the only women I've ever loved.

With a quick, unexpected jerk she hurled the glass of whiskey at me. It broke against my shoulder, the liquid seeped into my shirt and pieces clattered to the floor. It had not physically hurt me, but the animosity of her actions was painful. She threw something at me, did she want it to hurt me? _Of course she wants to hurt you,_ I thought, _she hates you for breaking her heart._ I had to pay for the consequences of my actions. Things were not just going to go back to how they were. I must fix this.

I raised my hands to offer peace, "You have every right to be angry-"

"Shut-Up," she screamed, cutting me off. I stood silence and patiently. I could wait for her to collect herself, surely this was not easy for her. The anger was still present, but a mix of confusion and bewilderment accompanied her face. She slowly stepped forward, lifting a shaky hand to touch me. _It's as if she doesn't believe that I'm real._ I wanted to ask if she was alright and to know what she was thinking.

"Bel-,"

"Shush!" She silenced me.

The tips of her warm, soft fingers brushed over my shoulder were the glass hit me. She froze, her face in complete shock. The warmth of her touch emanated throughout my body and I yearn to hold her. To wrap her in my arms and tell her everything would be okay. Yet, her brash, conflicted expression stopped me.

The glazed, far-off look in her eyes focused in as she lifted her head to gape at me. Her heart beat faster and faster and her breath started to catch. She yanked her arm away from me and slowly stepped backwards, shaking her head. She didn't hate me, she was scared of me. Terrified.

This reaction is what I expected when she found out I was a vampire. I waited for it in the meadow, when she met my family and when she woke up in the hospital after James attacked her. She never ran before, why now? Had she come to her senses? Finally understood the danger of my world?

"I'm crazy. I'm crazy," She proclaimed, "I've gone crazy."

I didn't understand. What was she thinking? Had she lost her mind while I was away? I moved forward wanting to comfort her but she continued to withdraw from me. Her back hit the kitchen wall and slid down it until she was sitting.

"You're not real. This isn't real," She hyperventilated, gaping at me with a hint of tears threatening to fall from the corners of her eyes.

I didn't know what to do, she was afraid of me. "Carlisle," I called, and he appeared at my side. _She's not handling this very well_ , he thought, taking in the condition of the girl with her head tucked into her knees. Clearly having a breakdown as she states, "You're not real. This isn't real. I'm not crazy." _She is not in a healthy state, physically and mentally._ Observing her thin body and lack-luster hair and skin. _Malnourished. Something foreign in her system._ He glanced at the whiskey stain on my shirt and sniffed at her blood, trying to determine if that was the off-putting smell.

"She's afraid of me," I whispered and hung my head in shame, "She hates me." Esme materialized and placed a comforting hand on my arm, concern enveloped her as she took in the scene.

Carlisle resumed his assessment. Bella's heart raced, breath caught and body shook. Her head was tucked, eyes out of site, and she rocked herself from side to side. Again professing, "you're not real. This isn't real. I'm not crazy," as if she was trying to convince herself of that fact.

"She's rejecting our presence; her mind won't accept us being here. Be slow, caution. Don't overwhelm her." Carlisle advised. "May I," Esme stepped forward and Carlisle nodded. As much as I wanted to console her I knew Esme's loving and compassion personality would produce the best outcome.

She slowly approached Bella and knelt in front of her. "It's okay sweetie," her honey sweet voice reassured, "You're not crazy. We're real." Bella's movements instantly froze and breathing ceased. Hesitantly, Esme's hand reached out and touched Bella's arm, with the intention of comfort and a potential hug. Yet, the gesture did not have the desired effect. Bella jumped from her spot and ran for the door.

I followed her, calling "Bella, please come back!" I would have caught her in an instant, if not for Carlisle's warning. "Let her go, she has to come to terms with this on her own." He did not know how she felt about me, if she did indeed hate me than my pursuit would make things worse. With a heavy sign and stabbing feeling of defeat, I stopped on the front porch. Watching her as she ran around the front of her truck.

Carlisle and Esme followed me out, holding each other as they watch the person they once thought would be their daughter run. The rest, whom had been lingering upstairs and on the edge of the forest, joined us just in time to watch Bella clumsily drop her keys and kick them under the truck. Her head disappeared as she bent down to retrieve them but did not reappear. A soft thud of her body against the ground could be heard, accompanied by the hysteric sobs and whimpers exuding from the ground behind the truck.

Although sympathetic and crestfallen over Bella's condition, Alice's irate stance echoed her angry thoughts, ' _I told you so. This is all your fault._ ' Placing his palm on my back shoulder, Jasper tried to calm my tormented, heartbroken feeling of hopelessness and guilt. He explained, "Bella is feeling an overwhelming amount of pain. We can't do anything but let the emotions run their course. It's probably good she's crying, better to get them out than hold them in." His logic did not comfort me, and the full reality and consequence of my decision to leave bore down more than I would have ever believed. _I truly am a monster. I broke the most beautiful, loving and kindest creature I've ever known._

Rosalie removed herself from the audience, uncomfortable witnessing this embarrassing scene. Emmett followed suit after firmly instructing me to "Fix this." His brotherly love for her had not wavered during the separation.

Less than an hour ago I was committed to staying out of Bella's life forever, but all that was in the trash now. _I will never leave her. I will fix this and devote my existence to bringing my Bella everything and anything that her heart desires._ Clearly the road ahead would not be easy, but I promise to be with her every step of the way. Pray, she keeps me at her side.

I walked around the truck and stood next to where she cried. On her side, with knees tucked to her chest and arms encircling herself, she convulsed with deranged weeps of agony. Silently, I sat down next to her, bent my legs and rested my head on my knees. I let myself feel all the heartache, sorrow, regret, and injustice of my leaving, the hardships to come and the unorthodox loved that always put us at ends with each over. Bella would have to cry for the both of us as I could not. All the same, I would sit here for as long as she did and be here when she was ready. I was here and will never leave her.


	3. Escaping

**Hello everyone! I've enjoyed writing this so much I've decided to continue it. I have a good ending I'd like to see played out.**

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Bella's POV

I cried on the ground for what might have been an hour. Never opening my eyes or releasing the grip on my chest. It took everything I had to keep myself together, and yet the broken thing that I now was still seeped out through tears and moans I couldn't keep in. I let it go, it felt good to empty myself of emotions and return to the numb and painless state I've known for the last 7 months.

Exhausted, I lay silently on the ground, my hair entangled with the dirt and gravel underneath it. I needed to get far away from this place, to get up and move. I thought nothing of what I saw in the house but only of what I had to do now.

Slowly, I opened my eyes and lifted myself off the ground. Edward sat a few feet away, staring straight at me with a cautious and guarded face. _Just another hallucination,_ I told myself, _it doesn't change anything._ My confidence in that truth wavered as I glanced towards the empty porch, but I banished the idea and reminded myself nonchalantly that ' _sometimes I see things'_ and needed to get home.

I opened my truck, got in and started the engine. The _tap, tap, tap_ on my driver's window startled me and I turned to see Edward motion to roll the window down. The clearness of his tapping conjured up the memory of glass shattering against his shoulder, but my tired state quickly dismissed what these realities implied. I rolled my window down.

"Bella," he exclaimed, "Can we please talk?" I stared silently back at him, brow creasing, uncertain of what to say. "Please." He continued in desperation. "If not now, can I come by after Charlie's asleep?"

I turned my head back to the steering wheel, completely unsure of myself. "I don't know," I confessed and shifted my truck into drive. "I have to go home." I pulled out without another word. I expected to see the illusion disappear, but as I glanced in the rearview mirror, he continued standing there, dejected, until I drove out of sight.

The second my tires hit the paved road, the confused cloud that protected my mind evaporated. _What did I just see?! Were they real or did I imagine it? My hallucinations never spoke to me like that before, asking me questions! What if they were real, what does that mean? No, no, they weren't real, nothing has changed._

The internal dialogue followed me home and into the shower. Soon I found myself seated at the kitchen table, my mind racing with the events that just passed. Like any other memory of _him_ the pain pierced me and left me breathless. _What if he did show up in my room tonight,_ I thought, _I couldn't handle it._

Suddenly, I was reserved to being out of the house. It was Saturday night after all, so I quickly wrote Charlie a note to my whereabouts and headed to Port Angeles.

I drove in silence to the little recording studio that sat underneath my friend's modest apartment. There, I could rely on finding at least one of my three friends mulling about. To my luck, both Bret, the owner, and his girlfriend Sydney were there when I arrived. Sydney was the first of this group I met and introduced me to the joys of human youth.

It had been two weeks since I had last heard from Jacob. No matter how many times I called, he did not answer. I know he'd been sick after we saw that awful movie with Mike, but it was clear he was avoiding me. Billy reported he was fine now. I even saw him walking shirtless into the forest during an attempt to see him.

I don't know what I did to make him start avoiding me, but the rejection and isolation was enough to send me back into the depression I'd been in over the last few months. Charlie begged Billy to make Jacob come by, but in the end, he started suggesting I see a therapist again. Opposed to this idea, I quickly proclaimed that I had plans with Jessica the next evening to see a movie. Of course, Jessica would never go to a movie with me again, but I didn't tell Charlie that.

Ultimately, I found myself at the theaters alone. To early to go into the auditorium, I waited in line for some popcorn. That's when I met Sydney.

She was friendly, chatty, seemed to like 'my style' and was also alone, for the moment. Her friends had not arrived yet and she had bought tickets for the same movie I was seeing. I'm not sure if she took pity on my or genuinely found me interesting, but I accepted the proposal to sit with them. They provided a good distraction as we waited for the movie to start and did not seem bothered by my disengaged attitude. When the credits rolled they invited me to their car to smoke a joint.

I wouldn't have agreed if the apparition of Edward hadn't appeared. Warning me of the danger of strangers and drugs. Adversely, to hear and see more of him I acted in exact opposition of his guidance and accepted their offer. I only stayed with them long enough for two puffs and an exchange of phone numbers. I'd never been interested in drugs before and didn't particularly enjoy the harshness in my throat from the smoking, but when I sat in my truck, waiting for the effects to fade, I found myself slightly happy.

There was this mild euphoric haze over me, things looked brighter, I could stand listening to music, and best of all I could think about _him_ without falling apart. I watched my memories of him as if I was an outside observer, smiling at the good times and laughing at jokes long gone. I closed my eyes and sat in the theater parking lot for over an hour, watching the movie of Edward and I's time together playout behind my eyelids.

Eventually, I drove home. My nerves catching up to me with the realization of what I had just done. My father was the police chief for God's sake! He would be more than disappointed if he found out I had smoked marijuana, and surly he would find out. It was his job to know these things, wasn't it? I can't say Fork's had any sort of drug problem. There were a few kids at school I might have suspected but the rumors would have circulated if it were true.

To my surprise, all went well when I got home. Charlie had waited up for me, concerned that I was out later than he expected. He looked at me suspiciously, recognizing something was off. I prayed that he had not called Jessica's parents, that would make for a very awkward day at school.

When I announced I met some new friends, his eyebrows rose in disbelief and lips twitched into a hopeful smile. He was happy that I not only got out of the house and socialized but that there appeared to be a new spark of life in my eyes. He said nothing more and I went on my way. I decided I would see these new friends of mine again.

In the months that follow, I became close to Sydney, Bret and their friend Rodney. Close in a way that we could make bad decisions together but not dig into each other's business. They were all older than me, Bret, the oldest being 22. They knew my age, where I lived, and in Sydney's case, meet my dad. I've never spoken a word about _his_ family, my zombie-like state or the numbness in my heart, and they didn't pry when it came up. I got the impression they each carried their own baggage. They were good people and we got along well. They would always offer me whatever they had and did not judge when I turned it down or asked for more, like tonight.

Immediately upon my arrival, I grabbed the liquor bottle and pored myself a large shot. I needed to cleanse my mind of the hallucinations that haunted me.

"Bad day?" Bret chuckled at me from the love seat he and Sydney were curled up on.

"You have no idea." I wiped the escaped liquid from my mouth and chin. Eventually, the nightmare from today drifted out of my mind and into a distant memory.

I drove home the next day with just enough time to make dinner and greet Charlie from work. He was none the wiser and informed me of a call I missed. "Jacob called. He seemed stressed out and wanted you to call him back." He stated as I got up to clean the dishes.

"I'll call him tomorrow," I replied. "I have to finish a homework assignment before bed." Truthfully, I was just exhausted from the late night before.

Lazily I climbed the stairs up to my room, anticipating the standard week to come. To my surprise, as I crawled into bed, I heard the crinkling of paper from beneath my pillow.

I pulled it out and read the familiar handwriting.

 _Bella,_

 _I'm so sorry for everything that has happened and cannot stand to leave things as we did today. There is so much I would like to talk to you about. I respect if you need some space and time, but please give me a call when you can. If I don't hear from you, then I'll see you on Monday at school._

 _Love,_

 _Edward_

His phone number was written at the bottom as if I'd forgotten it. The letter shocked me and the images I had tried so hard to forget came rushing back. I held myself close and tried to control my breathing. I covered my mouth to muffle the moans of agony that ripped through my chest. I couldn't believe this.

I wanted to run to Charlie and ask if this note was real, if he could see and touch it to, but that would have been ludicrous. The paper was real, I ran my fingers over it and ripped a bit of the corner, held it to my ear and heard it crinkle. I read the words over and over again, trying to assess what I should do.

 _If they were back, did they want something from me?_ I thought, _Edward doesn't love me._ I didn't need to remember his cold, deadpan expression as he told me he didn't want me, to know he wouldn't come back for me. Yet, the memory of his hurtful words in the forest assaulted me. I crushed my bed pillow into my torso, trying to make sense of the situation.

 _Maybe this has something to do with the pack?_ I knew now about the Quileute wolves that protected La Push. It was the reason Jacob had been avoiding me, but soon enough the cat was out of the bag. It was a huge relief having someone from that world to talk to, and we picked up our garage hangouts once more. However, responsibility caught up to Jacob and all too soon I was lucky to get the occasional phone call. _Jacob would tell me if something was up with the pack._ I was confident of that. _Maybe that's why he called? Maybe I should call him back now._ At the thought of calling, I remembered the note.

Edward wanted me to call him.

The idea of hearing his velvet soft voice on the other end of the receiver caused my heart to race. _Could he be that close within my reach, that I could simply pick up the phone and have him here now?_ Since the moment he left the forest, I've yearned to hear his voice again. I've ridden motorcycles, approached strangers and pursued dangerous activities just for the thrill of seeing his apparitions. Everything in me wanted to call him right now. But, my mind held me back.

 _What would I say? What would he say?_ His words from the forest reverberated in my head, ' _You're not good for me, Bella_.' Fear and anxiety rippled through my cells. I don't want to hear those words again. My hands felt cold and clammy as I imagined calling him just to hear rejection again.

Worse, what if I have actually gone insane and imagined this all up? Another imagine of me on the phone flashed through my mind, but this time I chatted away while a confused Charlie held up a cut phone line. He'd skip the therapist and send me straight to a mental ward. I can't be crazy though, the feel of his cold, marble shoulder in the kitchen was so real, and the tapping of his knuckles was so clear. Again, I stared at the unmistakable crumpled note.

The emotions and uncertainty immobilized me, and I laid my head back down. Squeezing my eyes tight, I prayed for a release from my thoughts knowing full well that sleep, and the nightmares that accompany it, would not be my saving grace.

 **P.S. I love reviews.**


	4. One Red and One White

**I want to give a special thanks to SilverontheRose for proofreading this chapter! I am still looking for a Beta, so please if you are willing to look over just one chapter I would really appreciate it.**

Bella's POV

I stood in the hot, bright Phoenix sun facing the familiar building that was once my High School. The bell rung and all the students file in. I start to move with them until the sound of my name reaches my ears. From behind me came the voice, like a whisper on the wind, and I jerked around. As I moved the scenery changed, shifting from the red Arizona rocks to the grey, misty cliffs of La Push. I stared out at the crashing waves and heard my name, again from behind me. I spun around and spanning ahead of me was the dry desert dirt road I'd traveled last spring break. Again, I heard my name, but louder, and I turned to the mossy, green Fork's forest. I kept hearing my name louder and louder, and each time I turned the image changed. I could not find the caller, and as I spun round and round, the scenery began blurring together into streaks of colors. My name grew louder and louder like a beating drum until it suddenly ceased. I stopped with it, and there standing in the enchanting meadow I use to visit was Edward.

All the life around us was silent and unmoving, and three things seemed to happen simultaneously. Edward's lips moved in the formation of my name, but the soft whisper again came from behind me, and his form began fading. In a desperate effort, I lunged towards him as all of his body disappeared into thin air.

With a gasp, my eyes flew open to my bedroom ceiling. I breathed hard as I got up to open my window for fresh air. It was still locked tight as I had left it last night. The cool air nipped at my exposed, sweaty skin, and when I looked down, there sat two tulips on my window sill. One red and one white, freshly cut. It was spring in Forks but there was no way the wind had blown them up here.

My alarm clock said 5:02am. The last time I looked at it, it was 1:48am, at least I got some sleep. I couldn't keep my thoughts from running and wanted to call Jacob for more information. I'd have to wait till Charlie was gone, he'll be getting up soon enough.

Hopefully, Jacob would pick up. It was so rare to hear or see him since he joined the pack. He almost never left the reservation, and when I drove down there, I'd be lucky to see him for a few minutes. He knew about my pain and tried his best to maintain our friendship once I found out about his transformation. Yet, every weekend and after school invitation was met with apologies as he either had to run off to obligations or fall asleep after just returning from them. I felt horrible for taking up what little time he had. There was a sense of relief when I told him I made new friends and stopped visiting as often. He still cared though.

During spring break, I attempted to hang out with him but knew I would most likely be walking the beach alone. As it turned out, we did have some quality time together, but only after he found me on the beach with a bottle of vodka. He held my hair as a puked, carried me when I stumbled and yell at me for a good few hours about my bad choices. He even threatened to tell Charlie if he caught me drinking again. It goes without saying, he's never met my other friends.

Now, he calls about once every other week and will try to invite me to the occasional bonfire. As hard as it is for me to get a hold of him, if he wanted to talk to me he'd make it happen. Within a minute of Charlie's departure, I was on the phone with Jacob.

"Bella?!" He gruffed, sounding like I had woken him up.

"Yeah, it's me. I'm returning your call," I responded, thinking it's probably better for him to bring up the reason for calling instead of going off on my crazy ideas, "What's up?"

There was silence. Jacob spoke questioningly, "Do you . . . not know?"

My heart began racing. Did this have to do with what I thought? "Know what?" I played dumb.

". . . About the Cullens," he stated with an angry edge in his voice, like he might have had his teeth clenched.

A surreal feeling passed over me as he said their name. Like someone had pulled a warm blanket off me, and the piercing chill crept over. What I had seen was real, I'm not crazy. "They're back in town," I declared.

"Yeah," he sounded surprised and took off. "We've been smelling them around but don't know why they are here," he sounded upset and spoke quickly. "Have they made contact with you? It's not safe for you, come down to La Push the pack will protect you."

The fact the pack didn't know why they were here was puzzling. What other reason would they have to come back, I meant nothing to them. Maybe they finally came to their senses and wanted the scholarship money back after all?

"Jacob, I saw them but haven't really had any contact with them. I don't know why they're here either." There was silence again, "I don't need to come down, they won't hurt m-"

"Bella they are blood sucking monsters!" He interjected, "Don't say they won't hurt you when you know full well that they already have!" His words stung but he continued to fume, "Even if I did believe they wouldn't physically hurt you, they'll definitely mess with your head! Did you forget seven months ago when Sam found you on the forest floor. Or when . . ."

I heard no more; the memory consumed me and I hunched over clutching my torso. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" I screamed into the receiver. Jacob's words caused a flood of pain to wash over me. My eyes pricked with tears and I ground my teeth together.

There was heavy breathing on the phone but otherwise silence. "I'm sorry," he repented, "Of course you remember . . . I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay," I gasped, still trying to pull myself together. My voice was rough, and you could hear I was holding back tears, "I'll talk to you later."

"Sure, call me later," I briefly heard before hanging up.

I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself. He didn't need to bring up the past like that. The pain of that day and every day that followed still ripped me apart; I prayed to forget what I was cursed to remember.

My body steadied as I contemplated Jacob's insight. The pack has been smelling them. That means I'm not crazy. What I saw and what I heard was real. The Cullens are back.

"The Cullens are back," as I said it aloud the truth hit me like a brick wall.

A tickling feeling spread down my spine and through my nerves. Every cell in my body ignited and I felt light like I was floating on a cloud. My eyes were wide open taking in bright colors, eyebrows raised in awe and I think I was even smiling. I felt alive, almost like I had taken ecstasy. _The Cullens are back._

His note said I would see him at school on Monday. _That's today!_ Before I knew it I was in my truck and on the way. But, reality was faster and caught up to me before I made it halfway. I slammed on the breaks and pulled off to the side in horror.

 _What am I thinking! He is not here for me. I can't be one of those stupid ex-girlfriends who runs into his arms_. Again, his words from the forest resounded in my head. I remembered all the lonely, sorrowful pain of the last eight months, the night terrors and the isolation from everyone around me. Jacob is right, I can't forget how I've been affected by him and his leaving. Everything has changed. I can never be that person again. A stupid girl believing in everlasting, unconditional love. He didn't love me then and he could never love me now.

The thick, ice wall around my heart, that melted for a brief minute, hardened again. The energy that electrified me moments ago vanished and my face sunk back into the numb, disengaged, expression my classmates have known all semester.

I got back on the road and drove to school, preparing my heart the whole way. _So what if they're back. It doesn't mean anything. Don't get your hopes up. Don't expect anything. They lived here before I did. Maybe I'll be an ignored human classmate like everyone else was before I got here. He doesn't love me. He left me. He doesn't want me._

I was unaware of my surroundings as my internal monologue played on. But when I glanced a shiny, silver Volvo in my peripheral, my footing slipped, and my truck lurched forward and then immediately braked. I was now acutely aware of my surroundings and the fact I was being watched. I cautiously parked and sat in the driver's seat taking deep breaths.

 _You got this,_ I told myself _. Just another day at school. You'll be okay, there is an emergency joint waiting for you at home. No big deal._

Naturally, when I finally stepped out of my truck, my eyes immediately locked with Edwards. He leaned against his Volvo, two rows away from me, Alice to his right. His arms were folded, eyebrows raised and jaw loose. He wore dark jeans and a light blue button up. His bronze hair messily lay as if his hands had nervously run through it. He stared at me with a look of wonderment, uncertainty, and fear. A look of yearning that begged me to move forward. Not the annoyed, angry, indifferent look I was expecting.

I felt like a deer in the headlights and was unconscious of the expression on my face. At the very least I kept my mouth shut and withstood gaping at his beautiful form. He was truly here. If I hadn't believed it yet, I couldn't deny it now. The Cullens are back.

The world seemed to stop as I stood paralyzed staring at him. His lips curled into the warm smile I'd always loved. I noticed my heartbeat quicken and euphoric warmth rush over me, I wanted to run to him. To hold and kiss him like I use to.

With fear, I turned away towards the school. I would not be stupid this time. Loving someone makes you vulnerable and I cannot endure the heartbreak again. I would not let myself believe his breathtaking smile was caused by me. He did not want me. Yet, I knew from experience, if the molten gold of his eyes gazed into mine I would melt instantly with no chance of escape. I need to protect myself.

I would have to avoid his eye as much as everyone else's. The student body had a new topic of gossip and whispered and stared as I passed by. Glancing back and forth between me and the two beautiful Cullens across the lot. I kept my head down but couldn't drowned out the voices. "What are they doing back here?" "Well I heard . . ." "Did they come to see Bella? She doesn't look happy." "I don't know, I think . . ." "He seems sad." "I bet she . . ." ". . . maybe he begged. . ." ". . .got another girlfriend in LA . . ." "What, no way!?"

The rumors buzzed on.

 **For those who don't know, Red tulips represent true love and white tulips represent worthiness and forgiveness.**

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	5. Reflections

Chapter 5

Bella's POV

I ignored everyone and kept my head down, walking directly to class. He must have been following me, because as I sat down he pulled out the chair next to me, doing the same. To my disadvantage, he would likely resume his old schedule, which entailed being in most of my classes. I did not look, but he leaned towards me, and almost beggingly whispered, "Please Bella." His low voice hummed in my ear. The sound of my name off his lips was enticing and reminded me of my dream this morning.

"Please look at me. Please talk to me Bella," he continued. I couldn't ignore his enchanting request, and that fact infuriated me. Doesn't he know its impossible for me to deny him, did he come back just to torment me.

"What do you want!" I spat, keeping my voice low from the eavesdroppers that surrounded us. Our faces held a foot apart from each other, his eyebrows knitted together, and lips pursed thinly. His eyes were more beautiful than my memory gave them justice. Deep, hard pools of liquid gold pleaded with me not to look away and overpowered me with their gravity.

"Are you okay?" He asked with sincerity in his voice. I could feel my eyes pop open and narrow at the same time as his question further enraged me. _Was I okay?! What a stupid question. Does he think I've been jollily picking daisies and dancing in parades these last seven months? This must by some big joke to him. Let's play with the silly human._

Before I could give my sarcastic remark, he added, "Do you want me to leave?" Panic pulsed through me. My arm darted out gripping tightly to the front of his shirt, my head shook, and I bellowed, "No."

His feature softened with a slight smile as I blinked in realization of what I just did. With shame, I quickly turned my head back to my notebook and withdrew my arm, but he grabbed my hand and held it firmly between his two marble, ice cold palms. "Bella, I'm so sorry for everything," he cried. "I don't want to hurt you and I promise I will not leave unless you tell me to." I glared at him, horrorstruck. _He wants to make promises,_ I thought, _after he's broken so many_. I wouldn't fall for it this time.

He went on, "Please give me one chance to explain. If you've moved on. . ." he paused, examining our joined hands, "If I've ruined everything then I understand. I won't bother you anymore." He released his hold and looked down at his palms, sighing. He looked completely dejected, the spark in his eyes vanished and luster of his features faded. It took everything in me not to reach out and comfort him in this depressed state.

Luckily, Mr. Varner entered the room. "Ah, Mr. Cullen, I heard you would be joining us again," he stated while setting his books and papers on the front desk.

Edward adjusted his expression, plastering the charming, good-boy face he always used on the public. The class turned in his direction curious to his reply, "Yes, we didn't find the big city to our liking, especially my mother." That was the story they were telling. They didn't like the big city. I rolled my eyes.

"Well, we're all glad to have you back," Mr. Varner finished and began moving into the lesson.

I tore off the corner of my notebook paper and pushed it towards Edward without looking at him. Two words on the paper read ' _At lunch'_. I would have to talk to him eventually. I didn't know why he was here or what he wanted to talk about, but his presence disturbed the little peace I've found since his departure. I might as well get it over with. Rip the band-aid off so I can go back to being the pathetic, unwanted human.

It was hard sitting next to him. I did my best to focus on the lesson and not look at him, but the few times I slipped our eyes met. I got the impression he stared at me the entire class. I said nothing to him, with one exception when he tried to carry my books. "Don't" I hissed and quickly snatched them up. I kept my head down as I passed through the doors he held for me, and blatantly ignored him as he walked beside me to other classes. I guess old habits die hard.

I hated him for being here. That he was within my reach, but I couldn't touch him. That I couldn't look at the beautiful face I've chased after these past months, because it pinched my heart forlornly. I hated that I was still madly in love with him but couldn't have him. His presence mocked me.

However, at the same time, a subconscious calm hung over me. I didn't wonder where he was or what he was doing. He was here.

When the bell rang for lunch I snuck away to the bathroom. My mouth felt dry and I splashed my face with water. I was nervous and anxious to talk to him. I was afraid he'd tell me more painful words. That they were only here because of Victoria; that they felt obligated to eliminate the threat before leaving me again. Maybe they were tying up loose ends; wanting to bribe or blackmail me because I knew their secret. Maybe he came back because I broke my promise to take care of myself; Alice has probably seen what I've been up to. I shuttered at the thought of them seeing what I've done. Honestly, anything but the one thing I wanted to hear would cause me pain. I wanted him to still want me.

I analyzed the reflection in the mirror. I had lost weight since he left. My cheekbones were sharp and arms boney. My skin and hair were no longer radiant and dark, heavy bags lay under each eye. I smiled but it was hardly believable. _What must he think of me_ , I thought. I could never stand up to his beauty before and now my appearance was downright pitiful.

With one last breath, I left the bathroom and proceeded to the cafeteria. Edward and Alice sat at a table alone, and the rest of the school gossiped and shot me looks. I got my food and stood in the wake of what was about to come. I felt all eyes on me, waiting to see where I sat. I glanced at my normal table. Jessica eyed me while whispering in Lauren's ear. Mike picked at his food, but his body was twisted in my direction. Angela smiled shyly at me with an invitation to take the empty seat next to her. I returned the smile but preceded towards my doom.

Alice began talking the moment I set my tray down. "Oh Bella, it's so good to see you! I've missed you so much," she grinned widely. I had missed her energetic, bouncing, high-pitched self too, but didn't tell her that and kept to business.

"Why are you here?" I inquired without looking at them. I pulled apart the bread on my tray and waited. When there was no immediate response I peered up. Alice glared at Edward with crossed arms while he gazed at me with doleful eyes. They were the same brooding, haunted eyes from the parking lot and classroom. The eyes of a man in pain, who was drowning and begged for you to save him.

"Bella," he leaned forward, "I'm not strong enough to stay away from you. I tried so hard to leave you alone, but I can't. You're everything to me." I clenched my teeth as his words stung. I'm just a bad addiction he can't shake off. I'm not good for him but he can't control his bloodlust; like a diabetic in a cake shop.

"I didn't mean any of what I said in the forest. I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to protect you. I love you," he pleaded with each sentence. I was taken aback by this. He was saying that all the heartbreak and pain was an act of love? That he had lied and still loves me?

I narrowed my eyes in disgust, "Is this some sort of game for you?" He leaned back in surprise, shaking his head while I continued. "Let's see how many times we can drag the dumb human around. She'll believe anything," I mocked in an accusatory tone.

"No." Edward asserted firmly, "That's not it at all." His face was serious and eyes hard but fearful. "Listen, I only said that I didn't love you because I wanted you to move on. I wanted you to have a shot at a normal life, with a normal boyfriend. You deserve better than a monster."

This did sound like his old self-loathing, masochistic self. Always thinking he was a monster without a soul.

I picked at my food again. "So . . . you're saying you lied?"

"Yes Bella," he relented, "I lied." Relief and hope broke through his grave demeanor. Reflecting a belief that I understood his perspective. He was leaning towards me again, with his arm extended to grasp my hand.

"But its true," I replied coldly and indifferent, "Even if you didn't mean it." His expression dropped again. I fixed my glowering eyes on him. "I'm no good for you," I stated slowly. "Why should you have to constantly restrain yourself and pretend to be something you're not."

"That's not true," he stammered, "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You've made me a better person. Better than I ever thought I was capable of."

"That's right!" Alice interjected, taking his side and nodding her head rapidly. "He was such a sulky, uninterested bore before you came around."

I chuckled, shaking my head stubbornly. Their attempts were unpersuasive. I returned to my tray of food again. How could I possibly believe that? People don't abandon the one's they love. Don't leave them helpless and alone in a pool of their own pain for seven months. They say I made him better; he was perfect the day I met him. All I did was disrupt his easy-going life with my temptress blood.

He sighed, "Why is it so easy for you to believe those lies after I've told you so many times how much I love you?" I maintained my bleak fondling of food. "After all the time we've spent together, everything we've been through, you know I love you."

Tears accumulated at the rim of my eyes as I gazed up into his imploring one. Isn't this what I wanted to hear? Why does it still hurt? I averted my gaze guiltily.

"I thought you loved me," he faltered, and my stare snapped back to his. _Of course I loved you_ , I wanted to scream, _I still love you!_ His ignorance was baffling. I thought my love for him was so blatantly apparent. It guided every choice I made and action I took. His doubt and mistrust were disconcerting.

I wiped off a rogue tear and clenched my teeth obstinately, stealing away my eyes. What could I say that wouldn't jeopardize how far I've come. He'll just leave me again. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," I croaked.

The table was silent, and I focused on breathing.

"Just answer me this one thing," he murmured. "Is there still a chance or should I leave and let you move on?"

His question was my final undoing as the pain ripped through my torso. My face, a mask of pure agony. The little hope of his love, unwilling rooted, was upturned by the thought of him leaving. He would abandon me again. My throat swelled, and breath caught. I looked up into his woeful, golden eyes begging for salvation.

I squeezed my lids shut, and with my last ounce of strength stood from the table and walked out. The whole student body witnessing my scarcely held together, haunted face as I fled.

I hid in the same bathroom as before and unburdened myself in the stall. I wept, trying to be silent, especially when a few girls unknowingly came in. It was awkward, they went about their business quickly and quietly, sensing my disturb presence too late. They stopped coming in after the bell rang and I felt more comfortable crying audibly.

 _Why did his words upset me so much? Wasn't is what I wanted to hear? He said he loved me. Said he lied and didn't mean those things. He wanted to know if there was still a chance for us._ All I wanted in the world was to have the love we had back.

To bask in his radiant, playful smile and watch the light tinkle in his eyes as I run my fingers through his soft, bronze hair. To talk comfortably and carelessly, sharing secrets and stories. To feel his brisk, cautious hand lovingly brush against my cheek or tuck a loose hair behind my ear. To marvel in the safety and security of his arms as he ran through the forest or carried me. I wanted to see his family again, all gathered to watch a movie or play a game.

I wanted to be happy again, to be the person I was before. Trusting, loving, lively, and brave.

I exited the stall and examined myself in the mirror. My hair was untidy from pulling on it. My face was blotchy with red rimmed, bloodshot eyes that produced no sparkle or flicker of a life inside. I stared at this shell of a person and thought, _this is what love does to you. It destroys you._

I wanted him back but was so afraid of losing myself. Even in the good days, I hadn't really had control. He intoxicated me, and I was addicted to him. Still addicted to him after all these months. I'm not sure if it is a choice, getting swept away, but it scared me.

It was obvious that I'd been crying, so instead of facing more gossip I decided to go home. As I approached my truck I saw the shiny Volvo two rows away. I thanked God that they were still here, that they didn't leave yet. _Yet,_ I worried _, I didn't give him an answer. What did he assess from my exit? Does he think I want him to leave?_ Quickly I wrote a note and stuck it under his windshield before I escaped the school grounds.

It read, ' _Please don't go_.'

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	6. My Oasis

**Thank you for continuing to read my story ❤**

 **Chapter 6**

 **Bella's POV**

I permitted myself a few hours of a child-like fit, rolling around and moaning in my bed. I let the anguish of the day seep into my mattress until I remember my hidden stash. Underneath a floorboard in my room lay pictures, a music CD, a bottle of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum and a few prerolled joints. The last of which I grabbed now.

It took a while before I had enough courage to smoke in the house, but I learned what I needed. With three layers of bags to contain the smell, and at least two hours to myself, then I could hide the evidence and act normally around Charlie. The Rum was strictly for before bed use only. The smell was too hard to mask on my breath and it inhibited me in a way I couldn't hind from Charlie.

I opened the tightly locked window and sat on the sill with one leg inside and one leg outside. I ducked my head under the glass and sat back against the house. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but it kept the smoke out and kept me from falling. I lit up.

A bright, euphoric haze slowly washed over me and minimized the drama of the day. Making it seem insignificant and the natural beauty of the forest and sky most important. I peeked over the sill, and saw the red and white tulips, from this morning, had been blown down to the ground. They did look pretty, I wouldn't have minded holding them now.

As I packed my belongings back under the floorboard, I picked up the picture of Edward from before my birthday party. He looked so happy, carefree and young. Not like today, as a matured, fearful, burdened man with too much of the world on his slouching shoulders. I tried to imagine what was going through his head, with what I knew now. _If I was just a toy would he look at me like that?_ I remembered snapping that picture, he didn't stare at the camera but through it, into my eyes with joy, love and admiration. _Could he have made that face if there was no love for me in his heart?_ I didn't know, he was an excellent liar, but it was hard to believe that he never loved me.

Surely, there was a time when he truly loved me? Even if it didn't last, there was a time when my feelings were reciprocated. I would have died a long time ago, as nature intended, if he didn't care just a little bit.

After contemplating and ogling the picture for 20 minutes, I got up, showered, and started making food. Charlie arrived as I was finishing. I heard him come in, but he did not greet me. Instead, he leaned against the kitchen door-frame and analyzed me with a concerned look as I worked over the stove. He didn't say anything but maintained that look all throughout dinner. It made me nervous, first thinking I'd been caught for smoking, then realizing he probably knew the Cullen's were back. I wondered what he thought but I did not ask, and he did not tell.

The next day I attempted to be as civil and polite as possible. I produced a weak wave and a grimace of a smile in return to Edward's across the parking lot. I responded with acceptable "Good," "Fine," and "Okay" to his innocent questions and remembered to say "Thank you," when he held doors and acted kindly. He did not pry into my short replies and eventually contented to my side quietly.

Alice, on the other hand, was not satisfied with silence. To their joyous surprise I sat with them at lunch and she sprung into her inquires. She asked how Charlie was, how Renee was, what I've been up to, when the last time I went shopping, etc. I gave the minimal response possible and she eventually gave up and proceeded to talk about the family. I learned Esme had been working on a new house in New Hampshire, Rosalie and Emmett had taken a long trip to Europe, and she has been researching her human past. This last bit caught my interest.

It was in the ballet studio, with James, that we found out about Alice's past. It pleased me that something good came out of that event and the pain I endured. Sensing my genuine curiosity, Alice described in great length about her findings. The news of a living relative and revealing of a long mystery animated her. "I feel like I've found a part of myself, that I'm a more whole person," she gushed.

"I'm happy for you Alice," I spoke as the lunch period wrapped up. We grinned at each other from across the table, and for a second all the past fell away. I forgot her betrayal and abandonment; we were just two good friends sharing a happy moment.

She took a chance on this enduring minute, "Maybe you could come by this weekend and I'll show you some newspapers and pictures?" I froze at her suggestion and smile instantly fell. I could not show my face in that house. I can't go there and act like nothing has happened, as if their leaving hadn't scarred me.

My cheeks burned, and eyes widened as I realized they all saw me the other day. When I freaked out and cried on their lawn. How embarrassing, what must they think? There is no way I could go over there. "Maybe another time," I whispered.

The sweet moment we shared dissipated and the spark in her eye dimmed. I stood to go, and they fallowed.

Thinking of the other day, I remember something I needed to bring up with them. I turned towards Edward and his welcoming smile, "Please stop sending me that 'scholarship' money," I air quoted, "I don't want it." His smile dropped into a look of confusion and innocence, "I don't know what you're talking about."

I knitted my brow and glowered at him. This was exactly why I couldn't trust him, he lied to me whenever it suited him.

With a sigh, he surrendered and became more serious, "I would really like that you kept it, but if you insist I'll have it stopped."

"Thank you," I responded curtly and stalked away.

The rest of the day went on much as the same. I tried to outpace Edward, key word being tried, when he followed me to my truck after the final class. He demanded my attention before I got far enough to slip into the cab.

"Bella, I really need to talk to you about a sensitive matter," he spoke gravely. His words drove pin needles through my spine. What did he need to talk about? Was he leaving again? I knew he's wanted to talk with me since that day in the house, but I was not ready to divulge the past and explore our fallen relationship. "Can I please come by your house now?" he continued sternly.

My frozen state took too long to respond, and before I could turn around to tell him 'no,' he walked away with a wave and the parting words, "I'll see you there in a few minutes."

I had no choice but to drive home and meet him. His Volvo was parked in Charlie's spot and he stepped out as I approached the front door. My heart beat uncomfortably at the familiar scene, I would die if he asked me to take a walk with him. I let him in and he took a seat in the kitchen.

I turned on him, "what do you want?" He smiled patiently and gestured that I sit down, but I stood my ground. "We had some visitors at the house last night," he stated, "some friends of yours from the reservation."

Comprehension swept over me. The pack contacted them. I listened with more interest now. "They mostly wanted to clear up treaty details, but they were very concerned about you. I didn't know you associated with werewolves." He eyed me accusatorily.

"What business is it of yours who I associate with," I spat, crossing my arms.

"Werewolves are dangerous, especially young ones, and you promised you wouldn't do anything stupid or reckless," he said coolly.

This enraged me, "Do I need to remind you of all the promises you broke!" I yelled. _He has no right to talk, hypocrite!_

Unfazed, he resumed, "Regardless, you should not be hanging out with them. It's –"

"Listen here _Edward_ ," I jabbed my finger at him, "You are not my boyfriend or my father." His face twitched at the words. "You have absolutely no right to tell me what to do!"

He sighed with a crestfallen, hurt expression, then suddenly regained his confidence and spoke firmly, "Whether you let me be your boyfriend or not, I won't allow you to put yourself in danger."

 _What nerve,_ I thought _, who does he think he is!_ "If _I let you_ be my boyfriend?! I'm not the one who ended things. And why do you care all of a sudden about what I do?" I rebuked.

"I never stopped caring," he declared with hard, piercing eyes, "And leaving you is the biggest regret of my existence." His determined face sunk into that of a sad puppy's. A crease formed between his brow and his wide eyes glistened with sorrowful tears that would never fall. He was the drowning man again. "I want you back Bella. Do I have to beg?"

To my mortification, he slipped out of the chair and onto his knees in front of me. Shock immobilized me, and he grasped my hands. "Please Bella. Please take me back. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm a fool to have left you." Golden eyes implored me as the drowning man awaited a response while repeatedly whispering "please."

This ill refined display of emotions overwhelmed me. I was speechless, and tears ran down my cheeks. This is what I wanted, for him to want me. I wanted to hold him, forgive and forget but my instincts screamed ' _dangerous, risky.'_ My heart raced, breath came fast, and I stepped back in uncertainty and fear. Fear of the pain I've been enduring these past months and fear of having him and losing him again. The wound in my heart festered, I shook my head and choked, "Things can't just go back to what they were."

I didn't want him to see me pathetically break down again. Of course I wanted to take him back, but life wasn't that simple. You don't just get what you want, you must take the bad with it. I could accept he was a vampire, that he has killed people, lied and stole, but the pain of losing him was too much. I didn't know what the future held, and if he demanded I stay human then our parting was inevitable. He rose from his position on the ground and attempted to comfort me in his arms. "No," I tried to push him away and wrapped my arms around my chest.

"Bella, you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you." I squeezed my eyes shut as his words rung in my ear. _No, he is not here for me. He wasn't here when I needed him. I've been alone through this whole thing and_ _I'm still alone now_. "Please just leave!" I cried. I couldn't stand for him to see me like this again.

Minutes passed as we both stood silently in the kitchen. I crying and him looking hopeless, dejected, and remorseful. "I'll see you tomorrow," he departed slowly, pausing at the front door to give me one last glance and mutter something I could not hear.

The next day went without tears. Edward accompanied me everywhere and said very little. I avoided his eyes as each time I peered into them I met the drowning man from yesterday, begging me.

Alice chatted away harmlessly at the lunch table until her eyes glazed over and off into space, overcome by a vision. Both her and Edward's lips pursed and they "hmmm," with disapproval as they looked at me with knitted brows.

Confused and taken aback, I rose one eyebrow questionably. What had I done? Edward clenched his teeth while Alice fixed her features. In her sweetest voice, Alice spoke, "Bella, I would really like to show you my findings. Can I come to your house this weekend? I bet Charlie will be happy to see me."

 _Are they not going to tell me what she saw?_ I thought embittered _, that's fine, they don't have any obligation to me, and I don't have any obligation to them._ "Maybe another time," I answered coolly to her dismay, and focused on my lunch.

Although Alice still prattled on and I maintained a downward stare, I could tell they were having one of their silent conversations. It bothered me that they so blatantly kept secrets from me, it was obvious she had a vision involving me.

By the time I got home I was exhausted. Keeping up pretenses with them took energy. It was unclear to me why I cared to be nice to them at all. I didn't bother being polite to my classmates over the past few months. I felt their reappearance awakened something in me and I wanted to hideaway in the numb void that was familiar and safe. I needed a day to myself.

As if the universe heard my desires, I received a call from Sydney that night. She explained that Rodney obtained a 'special treat' and that she 'would hunt me down' if I wasn't there on Saturday. This news excited me, escape and fun away from all this drama was exactly what I needed.

My secret life was rejuvenating. I relied on it to be there for me and cushion the rough responsibilities I knew outside of it. I didn't have to pretend here, I could be sad or angry and my friends would just laugh or hug me. They never judged or brought it up, they didn't care. And eventually I learned not to care either but could still feel. It was safe to feel here, maybe because it was dulled down or mutated by the various substances available. Either way, the feeling of joy and happiness that had been lost to me for many months found me again, here.

I wondered how secret this side was. _What has Alice seen?_ I thought back to lunch and blushed. All the things I've done were embarrassing and disgraceful. You don't drink around sober people because it transforms you into a complete fool. Seeing my clumsy, sober trips was humiliating enough.

It irritated me that their presence contaminated this sanctuary. There was no place I could keep them out. I laughed at the irony, I originally found this refuge because it was the only place that wasn't ruined by the thought of them. I wouldn't let it be tarnished now. _Damn what they see!_ _I don't care what those lying, nosy stalkers think!_ I pledged not to give it another thought, I wouldn't let them destroy my oasis.

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	7. Inner Workings of the Universe

**Chapter 7**

 **Bella's POV**

Color after color washed over my hands as I stared at them. Red, orange, green, purple. Every cell vibrated and hummed like they were about to fly off. The lines and veins in my palms danced. I bent my fingers slowly, they felt puffy, soft and clammy. I waved one hand in front of my face and three of different colors fallowed. _Hands are so amazing_ , I thought, _I'm so lucky to have them_. I reached both hands out, feeling the pleasant stretch in my arms. I wiggled my fingers, watching them blur together, and bent my wrists, admiring the warm energy that moved through them.

Sydney, who sat next to me on the couch, gaped at my activity. Taking joy in the colors and movement too, I assumed. Slowly, I turned to face her and waved my many hands in front of her face. Her mouth and eyes wide open as she muttered, "Whoa."

I leaned back in my seat and rubbed my hand over the armrest. The material felt so smooth and soft, like a new born baby. I inhaled deeply, letting the cool, clean air fill and replenish my body. All I needed in life was to breath. It was perfectly clear to me now how much everything else didn't matter. All the pain, heartbreak, gossip, anger, betrayal, abandonment and wanting didn't matter. The universe moved as intended and my little life was insignificant. I am blessed to be a part of the inner workings of the universe at all, gliding through the path its made for me. The little details and hiccups along the way meant nothing as I breathed with all the life around me. I could die right now and be completely happy. Everything was so absolutely okay.

As promised, Rodney had obtained a special treat for us when I arrived on Saturday. With some grinding and a glass of orange juice, we each ingested our share of psychedelic mushrooms. I was apprehensive, but willing as they described the effects to me. Rodney had done them a few times and Bret and Sydney only once. The feelings and images it evoked were beyond anything they described.

I sat now, a few hours in, on the couch in Bret's little recording studio. I felt alive but stupid. It seemed so hard to move or talk but as soon as I started it was over before I knew what happened. I stared at my feet forever willing myself to stand up, and when I finally made the movement, disorientation and awe came over me as I discovered the exciting new world that existed a few feet higher. The plain, white wall that I knew was there, spun and vibrated with dancing patterns and colors, never stopping. It was so beautiful. I gawked at it, possibly drooling.

As the intense wave of hallucinations dimmed for a moment I took control of myself and laid flat on the ground staring at the breathing ceiling. "What time is it?" I asked aloud. No one answered, but that was okay. Someone seemed to ask this question every few minutes, and whether we found out the answer or not, it didn't mean anything. Like most things, time was insignificant. We were here and alive, and that's all that mattered. Everything was so absolutely okay.

For a moment the patterns in the ceiling took on a circular shape and amber gold color swept over it. _It looks like Edward's eyes_. Love pulsed through me and joyous tears leaked down my cheek from the beautiful sight. _I love him so much, he is the most wonderful and perfect person I have ever met. He deserves happiness and should always have a smile on his face_. The euphoric effects made it impossible to think anything negative and the love I harbored eclipsed any other feeling.

Ginning like an idiot, I gazed up, willing the ceiling to imitate his gorgeous gold eyes again. Humoring me, the shapes twirled into all aspects of his face. I marveled at his bronze hair, straight nose and cocky smirk. I wanted to touch it and reached out to the air, and again got lost in the perplexity of the human hand.

 _I wish Edward was here,_ I thought, _I want him to see how pretty everything is_. I saw no conflict in him being here as it seemed like the most natural of things. Although given my state of mind, I might have thought the same thing for my police chief of a father. Love was the answer and what moved the universe. I could see that now, it was so clear, and I wanted to share my love with Edward right now. Everything from the past escaped my memory.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered but right now, and right now Edward wasn't here. The image of him begging on my kitchen floor fluttered through my mind. He wanted me and was in pain right now because I wasn't with him. I had the power to rectify him, but I choose to be here. _I'm so stupid!_

I stared at my hands again, offended at the trouble they had caused. I could be wrapped in his cool embrace right now if I just followed the path of love. It was all so clear to me, it's so easy to fix anything. Everything was so absolutely okay.

I'm not sure how long it took to find my cell phone, a device Charlie insisted I carry when I began spending the nights in Port Angeles. Nor do I know how long it took my shaky, numb fingers to scroll through the few contacts I had, but I found his. I admired the letters that formed his name and swam in the loving words I wanted to tell him. My euphoric confidence did not waver as I hit the call button.

 **Edward's POV**

I fought my anxiety with pacing, hunting and general stillness. Since my return to Fork's and disastrous reunion with Bella, I've held only the desire to be with her, but have been repeatedly discouraged by my family and her actions.

She did not call me, she keeps her window locked, she avoids me, ignores my pleads of love and spats anger when she talks to me. If not anger, then tears. I believe she hates me. She should hate me, I've seen the damage I caused through the thoughts of our classmates. She didn't talk to anyone for months, completely isolated herself from everyone. They pitted her and the lifeless void I made her.

The pack's thoughts were worse when they came to talk to Carlisle. The night I left, she lay for hours on the cold, wet forest floor. I saw Sam's memories of the search party scanning threw the trees, him finding her unaware, shaking, and muttering 'they're gone.' I saw him carrying her, catatonic and the spark in her eye gone. I broke her.

Jacob's memories affirmed that spark didn't come back, but instead emerged a desperation for danger. If not for his eye-witness account I would not have believed my Bella was riding motorcycles. Taking joy in her injuries and gazing off at nothing, like a person whose lost their mind. He recalled nursing her in a drunken stupor and worried about what she got into now-a-days.

I found in no one a thought of the Bella I left behind. The girl I knew was gone. I broke her. Her heart and spirit, but I would not leave without her command, and she would not tell me to go.

My family advised I be patient and supportive. She is the one who got the worst of it after all. They were content enough having the family back together. Further, Alice's confidence that Bella and I would work things out reassured them of staying. Yet, my behavior annoyed them.

To maintain my golden eyes, which I knew she adored, I hunted daily. For the first time in my life, thirst was second in my mind. There was no flavor or fun in the kill and eventually the whole family, even Emmett, got tired of going with me.

If I wasn't hunting, then I was pacing back and forth in my room. Running through all the scenarios and outcomes I could imagine. Esme worried I would wear out the floor and Jasper proclaimed it only made me more anxious, which was affecting him. They told me to calm down, be patient and take it a day at a time. Bella would come around, they were certain.

Yet, their words did not sooth me. I analyzed every word and expression of Bella's and contemplated different ways to get her back. Alice started blocking her visions from me after lunch on Wednesday, when she had seen Bella obviously under the influence of something. While she agreed with my disapproval, she declined to assist me in stopping it. We fought, and she argued the importance of privacy, trust and freedom and refused to share any more visions with me, claiming my overprotectiveness would make things worse. Other than the promise of knowing if something seriously dangerous were to happen, I had no insight to the future. Only if I was set on a bad decision did Alice chime in with, "I wouldn't do that." I was alone in this.

When my pacing became too taxing, I resolved to sitting motionless through the nights, restraining myself from going to Bella. However, I could not prevent myself from checking when the thought emerged that this might be the night she leaves her window unlocked. A sure sign that she wanted me. Thus far, it has not.

Restraint was nearly impossible when her sleeping breaths caressed my ears outside her window. I wanted to take up my spot in her rocking chair, review her room and its belongings, and supervise her sleep was peaceful and undisturbed. Guilt caught me before I acted, and Alice's harsh and honest thoughts assaulted me, ' _How can you expect to gain back her trust if you go snooping and spying on her. A life without you was what you wanted, don't victimize her._ '

Now, I treaded my room visualizing the vacant room she should be occupying. Brooding over where she was and what she was doing. Again, Alice concealed all, other than the fact she was okay. The glimpse from the other day distressed me. Her looking crazed, wide-eyed and sickly on the floor of someone unknown place, drool building up at the corner of her gaping mouth. Clearly hopped up. Tracking her down would be easy but Alice, with Carlisle, Jasper and Rosalie's support, insisted I stay out of it. So, I paced.

The clock read 1:18am when Alice's thoughts wavered in excitement. I spied a red flip phone before a wall of French conjugates forced me out. At 1:36am my phone buzzed.

"Bella?" I answered immediately. There was no response but an exhale.

"Bella?" I asked again. She breathed my name, "Edward."

"Yes, it's me. Are you okay? Where are you?" I inquired.

She paused again. "Edward," she murmured slowly in an enchanted, pensive tone, "It's so beautiful. Everything is so beautiful."

"What is beautiful?" I thought of her gorgeous eyes.

"Oh Edward, I wish you could see it. It's all so clear, everything makes sense now." I catalogued the implication of her dreamy words, constructing a list of what might be in her system.

"That's great, maybe I could come by and see it. Where are you?" I played along. There was silence, her response time was severely impaired.

"Edward, Edward, Edward," she cooed, "I'm right here. Where are you?" _In my room, going insane and worrying myself sick about you_ , I held back. She knows how prone I am to panic when I couldn't reach her.

"I could be there in a few minutes if you want. I'd love to see the beautiful things." Anxious, I hung on her every word, praying I could retrieve her from her risky, dangerous decisions.

Silence.

"I miss you," she announced gently. My heart sored, as the first words of wanting me were uttered. Hope swelled and ignited the dreams of our future in my mind. I wanted to profess my love and layout all my mistakes and hardships to her, but I caught myself. _Be cool,_ I told myself, _she might not mean it._ The real possibility of that stabbed me like a frozen icicle piercing my heart.

"I miss you too," I replied. To no response, I wallowed in the sound of her breathing, feeling closer to her now than I had been on the other side of her window.

Without warning she casually answered my question, "I'm at the recording studio." I didn't know where she meant, but I could find it easily if she granted me permission.

"I'll pick you up." With my keys in hand, I descended the stairs quickly, catching Alice and Esme's scrupulous eyes in the living room. I paused at my driver's door, phone in hand pressed against my ear, waiting for her final affirmation.

"Okay," she breathed and I speed out.

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	8. Clear Skies

**Hello everyone! I'm sorry it took me longer to post a new chapter, but don't worry I have all intentions of finishing the story.**

 **I would like to thank Kayozm for taking the time to be my beta and helping me with this chapter. Thanks to her, I can provide you a better quality story.**

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

 **Edward's POV**

Bella enjoyed the ride to my house enthusiastically. I drove leisurely, cherishing her presence at my side. My heart was calm, comforted and a bright glow hung over everything because of her company, as well as her multiple declarations of love for me. Sure, she also announced how she loved the rain, carpet, stars, cars, heaters and essentially everything else she came in contact with, but she said she loved me.

I dashed around to her side, opened the door and held out my hand for her. Like everything else tonight, her reaction time was severely impaired and with a dumbfounded look, she stared at my hand. Patiently, I waited until she realized what to do.

When I had arrived at the music studio earlier, I was met with no resistance, but rather sluggish, confounded obstinance. Bella and her friends could not contemplate why I was there, let alone what time it was. I had seen and heard the thoughts of plenty of people tripping in recent decades, but not with someone I knew so well. The change in her demeanor was startling. Slow, over-emotional, and detached from reality. It was imperative I keep reminding myself that she was fine, and the effects would wear off.

Out of the car, she gazed directly up at rare clear Forks night sky. "It's so beautiful," she praised with an enormous smile and twinkle in her eyes. "I want to stay here," she sunk to her knees, chin still pointed directly up. I grabbed underneath her armpits, as though she were a small child, before she could accomplish lying down fully on the dirty gravel.

"Bella don't lie down here, it's dirty. Let's go inside." I encouraged her to stand up, but she remained limp.

Turning her eyes on me, she innocently asked, "Edward, can we go to the meadow? I love it there." The love and excitement radiating from her was hard to refuse.

"Okay," I folded. "We can go, but you have to stay standing while I grab some things." She agreed and returned to her stargazing as I ducked inside for some blankets.

The thoughts of my family varied as I darted through the house. Most of them stood at the ceiling-high windows in the living room watching my clueless, intoxicated love outside.

Alice sat back on the couch, depressed and dejected, having seen it already. Although she refused to intervene, she was disappointed by her best friend's actions and grieved at the pain that pushed her into it. Bitter that she couldn't do anything to speed up the healing process, she threw her impatience at me. _Don't do anything stupid. You're the only one who can fix this._ Various visions of Alice confronting Bella about her drug habits flickered through her mind without positive responses. She wondered how long it would take before their friendship could be mended.

Jasper observed Bella curiously, gravitating towards the intense, euphoric cloud exuding from her. Her mood swings were perplexing as he tried to figure out what was causing them. _There is something wrong with her, normal humans do not experience emotions this intense. Love, joy, liberation, confidence, security, contentment, enthusiasm_ , he tried listing out the rainbow of feelings that rolled off her.

Emmett was confused and vexed, not understanding what was wrong. _Is she sick? Why is he leaving her out there?_ "What's wrong with her?" he questioned.

"Psilocybin," I replied, and the room answered with an "ahh" of understanding.

Emmett laughed, "What a rebel! You should bring her inside." _This could be a lot of fun._ His mind swam with the countless number of funny things she might do. Gawking at the sky right now was funny enough. _Is she drooling?!_

Carlisle, like the real doctor he was, analyzed her with what he knew about psilocybin. It wasn't something people visited the hospital for. He noted her dilated and contracting pupils, excessive perspiration, and strange odor. It was not the foreign scent present in her blood last time he saw her. He began worrying about what else she used. _Please God, don't let her be involved with any opiates._ Memories of heartbreaking overdoses that he could not save, flooded through his head.

His concern mirrored Esme's. Her love for Bella enhanced the pain she felt when seeing someone harm themselves—drug abuse being harmful under any circumstance. She wondered how much Charlie knew, and contemplated telling him. _Would that be a good idea? What would a human parent do?_ She didn't want to get Bella in trouble, but this was unhealthy and unacceptable behavior.

Rosalie hardly gave a thought to Bella's wellbeing, but was rather annoyed at the trouble it caused me. She alone agreed with our absence from Bella's life, thinking my leaving was ethical and righteous. She downplayed Bella's and my love, and glorified human life and the ability to have children. _Why does he put so much energy into her? Running around, losing his mind over this fragile, thoughtless girl._

"Do you want me to examine her?" Carlisle offered with a look of pity, as I headed back out the front door.

"Thank you," I responded gratefully, "but she'll be fine. It will wear off and I'll call you if anything happens."

I was met with an enormous grin when I approached Bella. "Edward, I missed you!" She threw her arms around me, oblivious that I'd been gone only a minute and a half.

I cherished the heartfelt hug, pulled back to reaffirm her desire for the meadow and cradled her in my arms, before running into the forest.

* * *

"It's so beautiful," Bella breathed for the one hundredth time. Her head rested on my outstretched arm as she cuddled close to me, wrapped in a loose blanket, with another blanket laid out underneath us. She gazed at the stars in wonderment.

I acted as if I was watching them too, but continuously stole glances at her, as the stars held nothing to her beauty. Even more, she was happy. It may have been a false drug fueled happiness, but it was enough to pretend we were in a different time. Like last summer, when our days were spent lying in this same spot, in the sun.

"Is it getting better?" Bella had asked after regaining her breath from our kiss. "Being around me, I mean?" Her hazel eyes bore into me with such faith and innocence. _It's amazing how she can look at me, a monster, so fearlessly like that_ , I thought as the sunlight sparkled and bounced off my skin.

"I wouldn't say it's easier. More so, that I'm stronger today," I returned her grin, staring deeply into the warm pools of her eyes and brushing the back of my hand across her cheek.

"Still I should be careful," to her obvious dismay, I withdrew my hand and leaned back, putting more distance between us. "I don't want to scare you away," I snapped my teeth and shot her a wink.

She'd laughed, pushed at my shoulders to lie down, and rested her elbows on my chest. Her burning fingers had brushed softly against my nose, and I let my eyelids drop as she traced over my brow. The heat that emanated from her felt amazing, and I treasured the moment as she had spoke. "You can try, but nothing you do can stop me from loving you."

The memory drifted through my mind as Bella turned her head into the crook of my shoulder. She nuzzled her forehead and breathed in my scent. I wanted her words from that day to be true. I didn't deserve it, but I wanted it. As if she read my mind, she whispered, "I love you." It warmed my dead heart until she uttered the rest. "Even if you don't love me."

I rolled onto my elbow, looming over her, grasped her head in my hand and forced her unfocused eyes on me. "Bella, I love you more than anything in the world. Why can't you believe me?"

Instead of a response, tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Her palms glided smoothly up my arm, feeling every inch and hair until they wrapped around my shoulders and she attempted to lift herself into a hug. I lay back down and enveloped her as she cried. I gently ran my fingers through her hair and rubbed her back as I repeated calming words.

This continued for a few minutes, until I asked, "Why are you crying?"

She sat up and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm just so happy. I love you so much."

"Yeah, those drugs are pretty amazing." I averted my stare, skeptical of her declarations of love.

"No," she asserted, "I never stopped loving you. It's not the drugs." Resting her head back on my arm, as we were before, she gazed back up at the stars and continued. "There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. I tried to move on like you wanted, but it's impossible. I can't get you out of my head. You are all I could ever want." Her words echoed the yearning in my heart.

"I wish I could stop loving you, because then it wouldn't hurt so much." Her expression was void and her eyes stayed fixed above. "It is so painful loving someone who doesn't want you." Shame and guilt stabbed at me. "I've tried so hard to forget you, and now that you're back. . . If you loved me you wouldn't have left."

The tightening in my chest was unignorable hearing the confessions of my love's mangled heart. "But I do love you, I never stopped. I had a reason for leaving, it was a mistake, but I thought I was protecting you." I held her closer, fearing I might lose her. "I swear Bella, if I could go back and change things I would." I pleaded with her. I needed her to understand. "It was one thing when our kind hurt you, but my own family! It's just not safe for you." I took a breath to calm myself, "Yet, even so I can't stay away from you. I won't leave you again."

"I don't think I could live if you left again," her pensive voice whispered.

"I won't leave you Bella," I reassured.

We lay in the meadow, silent for the next 20 minutes. I wondered what she was seeing in the sky, clouds loomed on the edge of the meadow and clarity was receding. Her pupils still pulsed, and body perspired. I could hear the upset in her digestive systems as the mushrooms passed through it.

"I guess it doesn't really matter anyways," she uttered unexpectedly. "You're here right now," she nuzzled her forehead into my side again.

I tirelessly reiterated my love and regret, throughout the night, as similar discussions cropped up.

* * *

The effects of the psilocybin had heavily faded by the time the sun began rising. Yet, the lingering, mild waves of hallucinations persisted, and Bella insisted on watching the beautiful sunrise.

I took her up to Esme's room. _I will need to get a bed for my own room_ , I thought. She had not slept a wink but was obviously fatigued and sluggish. Yet, she protested as I laid her down in Esme's bed. "I won't be able to sleep."

"Why don't you just try?" She melted into the pillows in defeat as I gave her my most dazzling smile.

"Will you stay with me?" her child-like voice implored. Of course I would stay, but this gave me some leverage.

"I will if you promise to eat something." Esme and Carlisle's worried thoughts had screamed at me since we returned, beseeching me to feed her. They had spent our time away conversing about Bella's health and the harm she's been through from our leaving. They wanted nothing more than to keep her here for a month until her weight and vibrancy returned.

Bella nodded, and I whispered the victory to Esme, who prepared a plate to bring up. Bella acted shy and embarrassed when Esme entered and embraced her in a loving hug. She didn't linger but brushed my face and extended encouraging thoughts before leaving. Although the situation that got us there was far from ideal, Esme's joy of having both Bella and me in the house was blatant.

I sat silently beside Bella as she ate little by little. There were long pauses between her bites, and chewing required great concentration. She turned to me quickly when something came to her mind, like her truck, her friends or Charlie. I comforted her with the guarantee she'd return home, in her truck, without any suspicion from Charlie. A great segway to quench my curiosity as to whether Charlie knew about her activities.

"Of course not!" She laughed. "Or at least I don't think he does." She trailed off, then muttered, "He might not be a very good cop." The comment amused me, Charlie wasn't a bad cop, but he probably didn't encounter a lot of drug use in these parts. She continued, "I think he'd rather be ignorant to it anyways, if he suspects anything. Things have been better since I started. . ." she trailed off again, glancing at me with shameful eyes.

"Since what?" I was anxious to know how long this had been going on and what else she was involved with.

"Since I started. . ."—she contemplated her next words—"acting human."

My features dropped into a look of indignation and I clenched my teeth, "Drug use is not what I would call acting human." It certainly was the last thing I intended for her when I left. She pushed her plate away and crawled under the covers with her back to me. "And you've been drinking too?" I reproached.

"Sometimes," she responded.

I rested myself next to her and drew my arm over her side. "Will you stop? For my sake?"

Her body stiffened, but she said nothing. The euphoric effects were long gone and she emitted an angry aura. I wanted to press the issue but did not want to fight. I'd finally gotten her back in my arms and shouldn't push my luck.

As slumber came over her, she clasped my hand. I prayed this night was a step forward.

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 **I want to confess that part of the reason it took me so long to finish this chapter is because I found an amazing Twilight fan fiction to read. Jessica314's Tale of the Years series is absolutely amazing and I highly recommend. You can find her under my favorite authors list if you're interested.**

 **Otherwise, please leave a review! :)**


	9. Going Forward

**Thank you for your patience, sorry I haven't been updating as quickly. Thanks again to my Beta Kayozm, whom has helped me provide you a better story :) Let me know what you think!**

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Chapter 9

Bella's POV

I felt weird the next day. The whole night before felt like a dream, and I was more than embarrassed to believe I let the Cullen's see me like that. I didn't know what to think when I awoke midday in an unfamiliar bed with Edward lying next to me.

I nudged my cheek against the cool pillow my head rested on and inhaled the fresh scent of honey-lilac. To my surprise, a soft hand brushed over my hair and a voice whispered, "Good morning." My eyes snapped open and met the golden orbs of Edward's.

Memories of the night before flashed in my mind and I pulled back in horror. My eyes grew wider and my face redder as the mortifying reality of what I had done set in. I had acted like such a child, crying and clinging to him, stumbling around like a fool and repeating the same aesthetic phrases. My mind had been mush, and yet, it overpowered me with unrestrained confidence. Edward's acute senses would have picked up every slur, belch and fart that I left unchecked. Not to mention what he might have taken from my words.

My gibberish rambling about the universe, nature, and life was that of a crazy person. I still believed what I said, and my perspective on life felt renewed and peaceful. The colors, patterns and insight I experienced were eye-opening and religious. What concerned me was that I couldn't count how many times I had told Edward I loved him. Sure, I had grown to accept the love I bore for him without expecting anything in return, and was grateful I could feel something so beautiful even if it brought with it the ugliest pain. But to have forced my love upon him was pathetic. I didn't want to be the ex-girlfriend he felt obliged to take care of out of guilt or pity.

Repulsed by myself, I gaped at Edward until he spoke. A comforting smile graced his face and he asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I blurted. "I think I should go home now." Feeling like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar, I was overcome with the fear of punishment and the need to escape. Preparing to run, I took inventory of my surrounding. My cell phone sat plugged in on the end table, blinking that I had missed calls. _Ugh, Sydney_ , I thought, _I'll have to think of something_. My attention came back to Edward when he squeezed my hand.

"Please stay a while. I don't want you to leave. You don't have to be embarrassed. No one here judges you." His reassuring words confused me but had an affect. My flighty response began to dwindle.

"You're not mad?" This was the very last thing I expected to hear from him. Where was the dramatic anger and overprotective disapproval? "I didn't mean to get you involved, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you." He silenced me with a finger on my lips.

"Don't say that. I am so happy that you called me. I feel so much better having you here. I can't exactly say I understand or approve of your behavior, but it's not right of me to choose what human experiences you have." His words were endearing, and genuine joy radiated from him. "I'm not sure how much you remember, but I meant everything I said."

I shuffled through the loose images from the night before. _What had he said?_ I tried to remember, but the exact words were lost to me. _Something about protecting me, about regret and love._ What came to mind more easily were the emotions and clarity I remembered feeling when he spoke, when I gazed upon his face, watching his lips move, and when his cold skin was pressed against mine.

Last night I was acutely conscious that he was with me, and it felt like nothing else mattered. Every doubt and misconception fell away as if he had never left. As if the love that had blossomed between us had never died. I wanted to live in that moment again.

"Bella, I know we still love each other and I want to move forward. Will you take me back?" He held my gaze with an expectant expression.

As I looked at Edward next to me, it started to seem possible. _Maybe it is as easy as it seemed yesterday. Maybe the past doesn't matter, and I can choose to be happy. What I want is right here, I shouldn't waste one second by feeling sorry for myself_. The epiphany was sedating as I surrendered myself into his welcoming arms.

For the rest of the day, I felt at peace. Carlisle checked my vital signs and educated me about recreational drug use, unhealthy dosages, and dangerous side effects. He made me promise to stay clear of opiates, threatening to get Charlie involved if I didn't. Esme forced me to eat a large lunch and Alice coerced me into a long shower. Although embarrassed and apprehensive of staying, I felt tranquil. Even the subtle wisecracks from Emmett about me being a hippie, I could ignore.

My truck and I made it home before sunset. I cooked dinner for a vigilant Charlie. All week he had hesitantly watched me from the corner of his eye, as if he was waiting for something. I retired to my room quickly, anxious to finish the last of my homework. My original plan for the weekend had not included a Sunday outing at the Cullen's house.

As I laid my notebook on my desk and pulled out my textbook, I heard a soft tapping on my window. My vampire sweetheart knelt on the sill waiting to be let in. Flinging the glass open he smirked. "Would you like some help with your assignments?" I nodded gratefully, he had come to save me.

As his feet touched the hardwood my heart stuttered. How many times had I stared at this window longing for him to come through it? How many nights did my tears dampen my pillow trying to accept that he never would? Now, he had glided into my room like it were an everyday thing, but I knew it was more than mundane. It was a miracle. My own personal Jesus walking on the water that was my bedroom floor.

"Will you be sneaking in at night again?" I asked.

"If you'll have me." He kissed the top of my head. "I have come every night, checking to see if your window was open"

Guilt sparked inside me and I remembered the tulips from the week before. "I'm sorry. I just needed some space."

"No need to apologize love." He smiled, and we set off to work.

After the last equations and a few human minutes, I crawled beneath the covers and pressed my back against the marble stone that wrapped around me, awaiting sleep. I thought about everything that had happened today and the night before. It was bemusing how we were able to fall back into our old rhythm. I was restless, twisting, turning, and peeking at him to confirm he was there. It all felt strange and I wondered if I was dreaming. As if he too was afraid I'd disappear, he kept his hand in mine or an arm slung over my waist or shoulder, always touching.

In the months before, when my heart could bear it, I would imagine him here with me like this. I would close my eyes and pretend, daydream he never left and that he always loved me. That's how this moment felt, like those make-believe nights. Perfect.

 _Too perfect,_ the dark thought drifted through my mind, and I stiffened for a second. T _his isn't real. This won't last_. I expelled the air I was holding and pushed the cynical thoughts down, telling myself, _I choose happiness_. I let myself have this moment.

The next morning, Edward's silver Volvo sat outside my house, waiting to take me to school. I wasn't expecting it, but it seemed that our old pattern of doing things was falling back into place. Sauntering across the front yard, I was struck by the memory of driving to school the first time after he left.

I had been forced to go back to school as a condition to staying in Forks. Renee had been here over the weekend, attempting to move me to Florida. She thought I was sick, and maybe I was. I didn't even notice she was here until she started packing my suitcase. The tantrum that followed came from a place I had never known. The person who had screamed, thrown clothes, books and a lamp, and who had instilled a look of terror in my parents was not me. The memory was blurry, and I had looked on from the outside knowing I should feel ashamed. But, I felt nothing.

I drove robotically until my mind, without consent, became active. _This is how it's going to be from now on. You'll never sit in his car again. You're on your own now. You'll never see him again. You're all alone._ My breathing hitched, and pain scorched through me. I clutched at my chest and tried to drive on. I had to prove to Charlie I could do this, or else he would make me leave. I couldn't leave Forks, it was all I had left.

I forced my mind to be silent and turned on the radio to distract me. The cab filled with a heartbroken song by Kelly Clarkson. My heart burned, and I switched the station. Another love song; more heartbreak. I flipped through the channels until I found the first thing that wasn't about love. I listened to the hard rock band sing about death and damnation until I realized, _He likes this band_. I shut the stereo off, irritated. I was already in the school parking lot anyways.

Parked, I glared at the offensive device his family had given me and heard the echo of his promise from the forest. ' _It will be as if I never existed._ ' _He took everything I had of him but left me this stupid love song machine._ Anger rose inside me. _He left it just to mock me. To twist the knife he shoved in my heart._ With narrow eyes and a flushed face, I released my rage and attacked the little box. Instead of being in class during first period that morning, I had been in the nurse's office wrapping my bloody finger tips.

The memory sent a nauseous twist in my stomach, and I got into the Volvo with reservations. I looked around as if it was the first time I'd ever been in it. I never thought I'd be riding to school in this car again.

Edward smiled at me and my heart warmed. The feeling I once knew came back to me. Peace, security, excitement, wholeness and happiness wrapped around me like it was coming through the vents. It felt good to be back. However, for the first time as he pulled away from the curb, stirring underneath those pleasant feelings was the subconscious feeling of fear.

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The week passed. The gossip faded, and I began to take notice of things again. When did Angela cut her hair? Were the graduation gown orders really due this Friday? Why wasn't Jessica talking to Mike anymore? What book did we read last month in English? When Edward or Alice asked me about things they had missed, I was deeply embarrassed as I did not know the answer.

I tried harder to involve myself and repair the damage. It took four days of warm greetings in Trig before Jessica would stop giving me the cold shoulder. I tried to eat everything Edward put on my lunch tray. He had given me a horrified look when I told him that I normally had a granola bar and a lemonade. I attempted to engage in class, raising my hand when I knew an answer. It was exhausting to throw myself back into "normal" school life, but I did it to soothe the pinched brow that appeared whenever Edward witnessed how I had been behaving over the last few months. Jumping back into the swing of things at school was not the only thing that gave me trouble.

I had not realized how much I had grow accustomed to being alone. Except for when he passed through my window at night, I would often be startled by Edwards sudden appearance. I had been walking between classes when a smooth hand slipped into mine. I jerked my arm away in shock and disgust until I was met with the hurt and confused look of Edward's.

"I'm sorry," I muttered and placed my hand back in his, walking on.

I had forced myself to forget all the little things he use to do, and relearning them brought discomfort. Later that day, I had spun around and yanked myself free of him in a sudden panic that I had forgotten my backpack in the last class. He laughed, and pull my backpack off his shoulder showing me that he was carrying it. Just like he use to.

Things at home were not the same either, but were easier to deal with than I had anticipated. When Edward had brought me home Wednesday afternoon, Charlie had been waiting for me. He sat at the kitchen table. With a grave face and hands wrapped around a coffee mug he asked me to sit, that we needed to talk.

"Is everything okay?" I asked with concern.

He sighed. "I know the Cullen's are back, and I wasn't going to get involved, but I am very worried about you getting mixed up with that boy again."

I froze. I didn't want to have this conversation with my dad.

"What happened to you when his family moved away was far from healthy. You've come so far from September, and I don't want you throwing yourself back into the very thing that caused it."

Guilt overcame me. I had tried for Charlie's sake, but my depression had taken it's tole on him too. "I know dad. I don't want to back step either, but . . . I still love him." I looked from my fidgeting fingers on the table and my eyes pleaded with him to understand. A look of recognition and sympathy passed over him before he pursed his lips. I wondered if he was thinking of Mom.

He responded with the aged, tired eyes of an old man, "I'm not saying you can't see him, but I just think it would be wise if you maintained some independence."

"I understand," I answered honestly. Last summer we were inseparable. There was nothing I did that didn't include him. He consumed my every thought and feeling.

"And I don't want him in this house," Charlie tacked on.

I gave a short chuckle. No, of course Charlie wouldn't want him in the house. I thought of the many nights Edward snuck through my window as well as the other things I did discreetly in my room. _What he doesn't know can't hurt him_ , I thought. "Okay Dad," I said with an amused eye-roll and he smiled back. I had taken the light-hearted atmosphere as my cue to leave.

However, Charlie's advice rang through my head the next morning when I approached Edward's Volvo. I thought again about my first day driving to school after he was gone. It was silly that a simple task like that could be so hard. Could I do it again if he decided to leave a second time? I wanted to be strong and able to stand on my own. I could still have him without giving him everything, couldn't I? As soon as I had the car door closed and my seat belt on, I looked up at Edward.

"I'll be driving myself to school going forward," I said.

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 **P.S. I love reviews**


	10. Changes

**A few authors notes.**

 **1\. Thanks again to Kayozm for continuing to be my Beta!**

 **2\. Some of you have commented that you want Bella to get off the booze and drugs. I don't see her use of those things as being a big problem, rather she is just a normal rebellious teenager and it aids my story.**

 **3\. In a few weeks, I am moving to Japan to teach English and will not being working on this until I get settled. It might be a few months, but the good news is I've already started writing bits of my last three chapters. I intent to finish this story, but there might be a gape starting January.**

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 **Chapter 10**

 **Bella's POV**

"I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?" Edward asked with heavy eyes, in desperation, gripping onto my truck's window frame as I tried to leave his house. It was Saturday and I had come over to appease him. I could see the pain and confusion on his face when I rejected his rides to school. My desire to comfort him caused my convictions to waver, though I stood my ground, I offered to spend the day at his house.

My time at his home was identical to so many days from before, but a cloud of melancholy followed me around. Memories that I had pushed down during his months away resurfaced and left me breathless. Edward would catch me in these moments, staring blankly at nothing or clutching my chest.

Alice had been showing me old newspaper clippings and photos in her bedroom. I had missed her overwhelming glee and high-spirited energy, but when her attention started drifting towards my hair and wardrobe, I was more than happy to find Edward leaning against the doorframe.

"Not now, Alice." His arms were crossed, and he spoke with a charming smile. "I want to show her the new flowers Esme planted."

I sprang from my seat and took the hand he extended. He was my hero, always saving me from his sister's clutches.

"Thanks, I saw the huge bag of beauty supplies. I would have never gotten out of there."

"You should be scared. She has a lot planned for you." He winked.

I pretended to shutter, "I'm terrified." We laughed.

He lightly placed a protective hand on the small of my back as we began descending the stairs. On the third step down, as the arch of the living room window came into view, a memory swarmed my mind.

I paused mid-step, remembering a time on this very spot. Having just been released from Alice's barbie time, he had swooped me up into his arms. "We better run before she changes her mind," he whispered. We had laughed, making our escape from her.

However, I wasn't really recalling that time. I was remembering the last time I had remembered that. I had been here, dropping off that ridiculous scholarship money. The house was empty, I was high and wanted to hide a few bottles of alcohol in the house.

Finding a good spot in Carlisle's old study, I peeked into Alice's old room. An invisible wall kept me from entering, and I shut the door quickly. I couldn't face going up another flight and turned on my heel to go down. Sure enough, I slipped on the first step and clung to the railing to stop myself from falling.

I had steadied myself on the third step. The one I stood on now. The one he had swooped me up on. I had remembered our fun escape, and it stung. I sat down on the third step and opened the bottle I hadn't yet hidden. I gulped it down, stared intently at the arch of the living room window. I had tried desperately to ignore the lack of decorations, sheet covered furniture and the wandering ghosts that haunted my mind.

"Are you alright?" I blinked out of my memory. Edward appeared in front of me with a concerned hand on my cheek. I focused on his worry written face. It was the shamed, guilty, self-hating look I was growing tired of. I knew why he'd left but healing took time, and this look he gave me made me feel bad for feeling bad.

I tried to shield him from my pain, latching my arms around his torso and hiding my face in his chest. "I'm fine. I'm glad you're here." I gave him my best smile and looped my arm through his.

"Don't let me fall. These stairs are cursed." I joked, and he had relaxed.

Now it was mid-afternoon, and I wanted to see my friends in Port Angeles. I hadn't originally planned on going down there this weekend. However, each time I received that look, when I failed to gracefully walk on his eggshells, the yearning to escape grew.

I finally had enough in the garden. Esme's newly planted flowers were beautiful and vibrant. Yet, I couldn't help but compare them to the dead, brown leaf piles that had occupied the space only weeks before. Even in the cold winter, I was positive Esme could have kept the old plants alive. Unfortunately, she wasn't around to water and care for them, they died, and so she was forced to plant new ones.

My initial enthusiasm quickly morphed into pensive silence. I caught Edward giving me that look again. He hadn't thought there could be anything upsetting about flowers. I couldn't stand seeing that hopeless, self-loathing look anymore. Was it so wrong that I wasn't completely happy all the time?

With the last of my fleeting energy, I forced the corners of my lips up. "This was fun, but I need to get going now." I turned quickly towards the house, glimpsing for a moment the confusion spreading over him.

Advancing briskly towards my few belongings, I fumbled at the front door, causing the bowl that held my keys to fall. The smooth, translucent blue rocks that had laid in the bottom of the bowl clattered to the ground. Kicking myself, I bent to pick them up, but Edward was already standing with them and the bowl in his hand.

"Do you have to leave so soon?" There was fear in his voice.

I couldn't risk seeing that guilty face I was constantly causing, and responded while walking out the door. "I forgot I have plans and need to go." My lie was unconvincing, and he shadowed my steps.

"I don't understand. Did I do something wrong?" I inwardly cringed at his assumption as I lifted myself into the driver's seat. I couldn't stop hurting him.

"Everything is fine." I patted his hand from inside the cab. "Today was great. I just want to see my friends. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Your friends in Port Angeles?" He asked dubiously.

"Yeah, don't worry, we're just going to hang out, nothing crazy." I laughed, trying to lighten his obvious disapproval.

"Well, can I or Alice come with you?" I sighed, he was going to make this difficult.

I gathered my courage and looked him straight in the eye. "Edward, I think it's a good idea if I maintain a part of my life outside of you and your family." I agreed with my father's advice. Independence and some time apart were not bad things. Yet, as I uttered the excuse it felt like a lie.

"Bella, I am not going to leave you," he spoke each word slowly and firmly. This was a phrase he said to me every day, knowing the root of my fears.

"All the same," I said with a flick of my wrist. He could say that all he wanted, but it didn't mean I shouldn't protect myself. We stared at each other in silence, waiting for the other to give in. He eventually closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

"Can't you take up knitting? Or see friends like Angela?" He sounded annoyed. "Why drinking? Do you know how many people accidentally get hurt or die while drinking?"

This irked me. Of course he knew what I was up to. I had taken privacy and secrecy for granted while he was gone, and now I hungered for it. I dropped my half-held façade.

"You know, I think it would be good for us if you could learn to give me some privacy," I barked. "I would appreciate it if you did not follow me or ask Alice to look into my future."

"Bella please, don't get angry," he pleaded with me quickly. "I trust you. You know how I worry." His hand clasped mine, caressing it like a delicate flower.

"It'll be okay. I'll call you if anything happens." My words did not reassure him and he stood silently, staring at his fingers that brushed over my fragile hand.

"Why does it feel like I'm losing you?" His eyes lifted, and I was met with the drowning man from my kitchen floor, the man begging me to return to him. It broke my heart to see him like this again. Why did he have to look at me like that, like I was the bad guy.

I was at a loss for words. Instead I sat up in the cab, placed both hands on each side of his face and gazed into his eyes. "Edward, I love you," I spoke with my thumbs stroking over his cheekbones. "Everything is going to be fine." I leaned forward and kissed him.

He responded with need, uncomfortably reminding me of our last kiss after my wretched birthday party. My lips moved with his, but the hypnotizing spark that I once knew was dulled, and I pulled away.

I shifted my truck into drive and gave him one last reassuring smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

From my rearview mirror, he waved me goodbye. I knew I would see him tomorrow, why did it feel like I was saying goodbye. I had never felt this self-conscience leaving him before. I wanted to turn around immediately and apologize. Instead I drove on, feeling guilty the whole way and repeating his words. _Why does it feel like I'm losing you?_

I stopped at home for a few things and called Charlie.

"Be safe, tell Sydney I say hi." He bid me goodnight, believing we were having our regular girl's movie night, and happy to hear I was not being sucked back into the Cullen vacuum.

Spring was in full bloom. As I drove, green trees and blooming flowers framed the road, brightening the path to Port Angeles. The fridged, winter snow melted, and the grey, barren branches had come alive again. Time could bring about some amazing changes.

As Forks' city border flew behind me, I focused on the colors, but Edward's words and troubled expressions crept back into my mind. I knew he didn't like me drinking. I would keep my promise not to go crazy, but somehow I knew that wasn't the real issue.

The last glimmer of light was on the horizon as I arrived. I hadn't warned my friends I was coming, and surprised them when I marched through the door.

"Bella!" They cheered, after their initial fear that a stranger had let themselves in fled.

"We didn't know you were coming." Rodney lifted me into a hug and spun me around. "We thought the ghost might have gotten you." Everyone laughed, Edward's pale and sudden appearance last week, created a trippy, haunted sight and left him with the funny nickname.

"Ha ha ha." I mocked myself and rolled my eyes. "Only I would start calling people when I'm out of my mind."

I had explained to them that I had stupidly called a friend and made them worry so much that they picked me up. They accepted the excuse and didn't pry, but we now had a fish bowl to deposit our phones in for safe keeping.

We talked, joked, and the night went on. I felt better here. This place was supposed to be my oasis, but my mind kept wandering back to my and Edward's goodbye.

"Ugh! He is so clingy and overprotective!" I complained to Sydney as Brett and Rodney tinkered with guitars on the other side of the recording glass. I had been nursing my drink long enough for her to notice something was bothering me.

I fill Sydney in on my situation, holding the vampire details. She did her best to understand as she sipped her third drink. "Let me get this straight. He dumped you, move away, came back, you took him back, but now you're mad cause he wants to be with you too much?" Her eye squinted and voice rose in pitch as she tried to grasp what the issue was. "Are you sure you really wanted to get back together with him?"

"Absolutely!" Her suggestion was absurd. "He is all I've ever wanted. What we had was so beautiful and perfect."

"And is it beautiful and perfect now?" I stared at her, mouth agape. I hadn't expected this question. My posture sank and I hid my eyes as I answered her.

"No." Despair washed over me as I admitted the truth. My finger traced the rim of my cup. "It's forced, fragile, and" - I took a deep sigh —"sad." I took a large chugg of my drink, letting the warmth fight against the sorrow that flooded me.

"But you know, it's only been like two weeks." I defended my love. "I'm sure in time it will be like it was." I watched the boys laugh at something behind the glass, and smiled at their antics.

The pity in Sydney's eyes spoke for themselves. "I don't know Bella." She shrugged. "People change."

My smile faded as her insight set in. She was right, people do change.

 _No,_ I thought _, humans change._ Edward and Carlisle have both told me how rare it is for a vampire to change. That my presence in Edward's life changed him indefinitely. He wasn't different from the man he was before he left. His overprotectiveness, concern for my safety and desire to continuously be around me was nothing new. He was the same, his love for me was the same. It was me who was different. I changed.

What did this mean for us? Had I strayed so far from the girl I had once been that I had lost the girl Edward loved? Have I mutated so much that I can't enjoy his presence? The old me wouldn't have willingly left him today to come here. She wouldn't be drinking and indulging in drugs. She would be ashamed of me. Was this new person I had become the cause of our troubles?

These questions were on my mind for the rest of the night. Even as the guitar tinkering transitioned into a cringe-worthy karaoke attempt, I searched for remnants of my old self. Surely that girl still existed and could come back.

In the morning, after I bid my friends farewell, I texted Edward that I was on my way home. _It's what my old self would have done_ , I thought. Following my musing from the night before, I could only find one striking similarity with the girl I use to be, and it was that I still loved him.

I still loved Edward. I still yearned for and needed him like I had before. Even when the hurtful memories of the past pelted me with pain, I still felt whole and secure in his embrace. I couldn't let him go. My attempts to put distance between us were hurting us both. He was losing me because I was allowing my bruised self to control me and push him away. Our time apart had crumpled me like a piece of paper. I just had to smooth the edges back out and we'd be fine.

"Edward," I welcomed him breathlessly as I swung my front door open. I had invited him over when I arrived home, finding Charlie had gone fishing. With a peck on the cheek and a bright smile, which he returned, I cheered myself on. _This is what I use to do_.

He lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist, he shut the door and kissed me passionately. His icy lips burned mine and I melted into him.

"How was your night?" He pulled his head back, still holding me close.

"It was good!" _How much should I tell him_ , I wondered. We found ourselves on the living room couch as I enlightened him about Rodney and Brett's band and their desire to be famous.

"That's neat." He was interested. "I wonder if they need a keyboardist?"

"I'd love to see that!" I laughed. His polite 1918 mannerisms comedically clashed with the 90's grunge style I imagined. I pictured him bowing in black skinny jeans on a lit up stage.

"I use to play at small jazz clubs on open mic nights." He smirked proudly

"Really?" I hadn't known this. The idea of him seated at grand piano, set in a low lit room with well dressed people and fancy cocktails surrounding him, was more fitting to the Edward I knew.

"Yeah, it was really fun. Esme or Rosalie would usually go with me, but it's been a few years." He shrugged.

"I'd like to see that," I gave him a sidelong smirk and a raised brow, visualizing him in a black coat tail suit.

He slung his arm behind me, along the back of the couch and leaned in. "Hmm, maybe you will." His sweet breath tickled my face and intense, molten eyes dazzled me.

Our conversation continued until Charlie came home not too long later. Given he was not supposed to be in the house, Edward made a sneaky exit before being discovered.

 _It's working_ , I thought. _That's the happiest interaction we've had since his return. I can be that girl again._ The thought echoed through my mind like a crisp voice in an empty hallway, but my heart stuttered, feeling the burden of loss that girl once carried. _Remember the risk,_ a dead voice warned. I told that voice to shut up. I could fix this.

I kept up with this tactic for a few days, repeating the mantra constantly. _Trust. Love. Kindness. Fake it till you make it_.

I gathered my things when trigonometry ended. _He'll be waiting for me outside._ As I passed through the door, I scanned the area and met him with a smile. I grabbed his hand before he could reach for mine.

At lunch, I managed to eat most of the food on my tray. _He worries when I eat too little._ My stomach felt painfully bloated, but I knew I use to eat like this all the time. I peeked up at him as he spoke to Alice. His lips were upturned in a pleased and carefree manner, and his eyes were proud when he glanced at me. I took it as a sign that I had eaten a satisfactory amount.

In the parking lot after school, I stretched up onto my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "You'll come over tonight, right?" He had been over every night since I unlocked my window and I wondered when he had last hunted. His eyes were still golden but had darkened over the past few days. I didn't mention it though. _I sleep better when he's with me._

I wanted to change back into the girl he loved, but it was exhausting.

I collapsed on my bed after school on Tuesday. It was a relief to be alone. I didn't have to smile or laugh or watch my expression. I let the memories that I had shoved aside during the day reappear in my mind. I felt the pain, anger, and grief that accompanied them. It wasn't pleasant, but I felt relieved.

I knew this was my free time, that I had until late night before I had to continue my mental exercises. I crawled over to the floorboard that held my stash. _Maybe I shouldn't_ , I hesitated for a moment. I've gotten this far already, why take a step back? What would the old Bella have done? I glanced at my aged computer, then at my copy of Wuthering Heights on the bookshelf. I thought about the stove and laundry machine downstairs. All somber ideas. _A little bit is okay_ , I reasoned, _he doesn't have to know_.

I lifted the floorboard out of place. Inside were only my pictures and CD. My pulse raced, and eyes flew open in panic. Where was my weed and rum?! My hand shot inside the space, feeling at the edges. My head whipped back and forth, searching. Did I leave it somewhere? _No, no, no, no, no_. Did Charlie find it?

I froze as comprehension dawned on me, and erupted with fury. _He took it!_

 _That asshole stole from me._ My teeth were clenched, nostrils flared, and whole face was scrunched in anger. I knew he didn't approve, but this was unbelievable. _He took away my choice_! My blood boiled as everything I had tried to hold back over the days came through. _I can't trust him. He just does what he wants, doesn't care what I think at all._

I jumped up in rage, hurling the floorboard to the ground and slamming my window shut. I screamed horrible insults and profanities in my head. A red film covered my vision and my body shook. _He is never going to let me decide what's right for my life. He'll leave again the second I bring up wanting to be like him. We will never be equals._

I closed my eyes and breathed, trying to find my center. _Calm down, this is not the girl you want to be_ , I reminded myself, _you can't let Edward see you like this_. But the vicious tiger had escaped and refused to be pushed back into the darkness. _Why not? He's the one who caused this. You weren't this person before he broke you._

I glared daggers into the floor until my anger eventually dulled, but my cynicism remained. _Why should I have to try so hard to change back? This is what he wanted when he left. He's the reason I've changed._ I could smooth out the edges all I wanted, but it wasn't going to fix a paper that's been ripped to shreds.

 _This is all his fault._

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 **Thank you all for reading. Please leave a comment, I love to hear your thoughts and questions. :)**


	11. Suppression

**Hello! Thank you for your patience, I have in the last two-three months moved to an other country and started a new job. It is going well but I'm am glad to be getting back to something fun and familiar.**

 **This chapter is long, and as always I want to thank my beta Kayozm.**

 **There will only be two more chapters after this one, but I have already started on a new, happier story. If you like my writing and are interested in knowing more about my new story, please let me know.**

 **Otherwise, please enjoy.**

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 **Chapter 11**

 **Bella's POV**

I awoke curled up in a ball, as I had been when I fell asleep. My room was unusually warm as my bare feet touched the wood flooring. I glanced guiltily at the window which was still closed and locked. I had not seen Edward last night and wondered if he would confront me about it today.

Why did I have to get so angry? The old Bella wouldn't have made a big deal. _He stole from me_ , the thought sang as I rubbed at my puffy eyes in the bathroom mirror. _He can't be trusted_. I jumped in the shower and focused on the water that hit my skin.

When Edward approached me in the school parking lot, I created an excuse. I was too embarrassed by my loathsome fit to even want to broach the subject.

Fog rolled across the car tops and sprinkles of mist floated to the ground. The long, grey sleeves of his sweater disappeared, with his hands shoved into his pockets; he sauntered up to me.

"Good morning, how are you?" His expressionless face searched mine.

"I'm good," I mumbled, grabbing my bag from the cab and offering my most heartwarming smile. "I'm sorry about last night, I wasn't feeling very well." I rubbed my lower abdomen, suggesting I might have had some embarrassing stomach issues or women troubles.

His eyes widen. "Are you alright? I could have brought you something or Carlisle—"

"Oh stop it." I rolled my eyes. "I'm fine. Don't be ridiculous." I looped my arm around his, feeling his muscles relax, and pulled him through the puddles towards class.

All throughout that day and the next , I attempted to tame the belligerent tiger running rampant in my mind. It had escaped from its cage last night and overthrown the 'old Bella' I was trying to uphold. I kept my words, expressions and actions in check, but my thoughts were spiteful.

We stood single file with our classmates in the school cafeteria line. Edward placed a piece of pizza on the already overflowing tray. _He treats me like a child. He won't even let me pick my own food._ I offered him a lackluster smile as he turned away from the cashier.

He held my truck door open after school. "I promise I'll bring you that book tonight." I clenched my teeth while my back was turned, crawling into the cab. _He says 'promise' like he actually knows how to keep one._ I turned back to him, giving him a peck on the lips.

We sat silently on my bed at night. I was reading the book he brought, while he twirled a loose strand of my hair with his finger. "You're so beautiful." _Liar._ I glanced down at my torn-up sweats and raggedy T-shirt. _My hair is half dry and I'm ready for bed, I look anything but beautiful_.

"I'm not going to leave you, Bella." He reminded me again. _I can't trust you. You did it once, you'll do it again._

"I love you." _Who mangles the heart of someone they love?!_

My anger and resentment grew with each day. The old Bella was being pushed down into the dark hole she had occupied months before, fading further away than she had been when I first searched for her.

Days later, I received restitution for Edward's thievery, from Alice no less. We sat at our normal lunch table, the chatter of the student body swirling around us. I stared intently at the label on my tea bottle, thinking about all the months I sat alone.

"Bella, you know I do all that I can for you, right?" Alice's chipper voice suddenly implored me, stealing my attention. Both of her hands pressed into the table as she leaned towards me.

"Yeah, I know." My brows raised in confusion. I didn't know what she was getting at, but she continued.

"Well, I finally got this stick-in-the-mud to come around," - she jerked her thumb towards Edward - "and he wants to tell you something." He scowled at her.

Turning towards me, his knitted brow smoothed out and eyes softened.

"Bella," He said slowly. "I took some things from underneath your floorboard at home." I froze for a second, shocked. Was he actually going to admit it?

"Really?" I said sweetly, feigning innocence and fidgeting with my tea bottle again. "I hadn't noticed."

He maintained his stare, clenching his teeth as he picked up the lie. "I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry."

I didn't expect this and glanced at Alice. Her hands were folded together on the table top, and she nodded her approval with closed eyes. There was a quick movement under the table and a minuscule bumping noise that I might not have heard if I wasn't paying attention. Edward's eyes shot over to his sister before looking back at me.

"I've been overly concerned about your new hobbies, and thought I was doing what was best by taking them. But I realize now that was wrong to do. I don't have the right to control you like that. You're not doing anything a normal teenage human wouldn't do and it's not impacting your life negatively. You're not driving drunk or going to sketchy places, and your grades are good. I'm going to try and work on my over-protectiveness. Can you forgive me?" He spoke quickly as if the words were difficult to say, but his hard eyes were confident and bore into mine, searching for forgiveness.

The sounds and movements of the lunchroom seemed to freeze as I processed what he said. I couldn't believe these words were coming out of _his_ mouth. I thought this issue was going to be drawn out till the end of the story. "You're not going to get upset if I go to Port Angeles?"

"I'd be more than willing to drive you there and pick you up, if you'd like?" He smiled. I blinked in astonishment. I guess today was my lucky day.

"And you'll give me my stuff back, and not care when I use it?" This was too good to be true.

"If it's not impacting your safety, then I don't care. I love you in any condition." I leaned back in my chair, soaking up the moment. This was nice. Winning a fight that never happened.

I looked at Alice again, narrowing my eyes in suspicion. She had initiated the conversation and was known for using her abilities to get what she wanted. What did she see that lead them to this decision? Did Edward really want to give his blessing and stop being overprotective? _Doubtful._ Alice probably saw something that made it necessary.

"What changed your mind?" I asked him.

His lips lifted in amusement and he let out a defeated sigh. "Well I suppose, sometimes you need an outsider's perspective to see things clearly."

I did not return his smile and my eyes swept back and forth between him and his sister. I wanted to know what she had seen.

Edward leaned forward with his chin in his palm, serious again. "Bella, you and I have to deal with enough obstacles, I don't want this coming between us. I don't see the appeal, but it's not a big deal."

I returned his smile, hiding my uncertainty. _They're just words, he'll get upset the next time I have a drink_. My pessimistic mind wanted to test him, imagining taking shots in my room with him there tonight. Yet, I was still determined to return to my less rebellious, old Bella act. I wouldn't push my luck. I would be forgiving and loving.

My chair scrapped against the floor as I lifted myself out of it. Standing behind Edward's chair and wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I could feel the contented sigh as his breath left his lungs, and he kissed my arm. My cheek burned as I laid it against his, and we slightly swayed side-to-side in our embrace. "Thank you for being understanding." I uttered before kissing the back of his head and pulling away.

"So what time should I take you down there?" He asked casually as I took my seat. He might have been asking about the weather, given how calm he was.

"Actually, I wasn't planning on going down there this weekend." That was the truth.

"Oh." He pushed the yellow pasta on his plate around with his fork. "What were you planning on doing?"

I hadn't thought about it, I just knew that I was trying to avoid my bad habits. Before I could finish shrugging, Alice piped up in excitement, drawing out the first word.

"Please Bella, if you don't have any plans, can we please, please, please have a girl's night slumber party?" Her bottom lip pushed out into a pout, her eyes were wide and glistening, and she clasped her hands together in a begging gesture.

As if my horrified expression wasn't enough, she continued. "We can do facials and a hot oil treatment on your hair. I'll be quick about it, I promise! Then we can all relax and watch movies. Please." Her puppy-dog eyes were in full force as she leaned towards me.

What could I say to her? Your house haunts me with unpleasant memories? I still can't look at Esme without feeling ashamed? All the girly stuff sounds awful? Why would I want to give you the satisfaction when you betrayed me?

I shook the thoughts from my mind as they headed down a hateful path, and yielded to her wishes.

"Sure, we can give it a shot." She began clapping her hands and practically jumping out of her seat. Edward looked at her, confused.

Alice picked me up Saturday afternoon. There was a knock on the door as I stood in the kitchen, washing the dinner dishes. Charlie answered it as I finished drying off my hands.

"Alice, it's so good to see you. How have you been?" She was the one Cullen that Charlie didn't resent. She was forever a saint his eyes ever since her assistance with my cast.

"I'm great. We finished unpacking the house a few days ago. I'm really excited to have Bella over to see what we've done with the place." I strolled into the hallway. The chill from outside swept in through the open door, and the light sound of rain hitting the ground muffled their voices.

"I'm going to grab my stuff," I gestured towards the stairs.

My hands glided over the handrail, slowly climbing the steps. I could hear Charlie asked, "So, what are you guys up to tonight."

Alice's explanation of our feminine plans faded as I entered my room. My laundry was washed and folded, and my bed was made, but my window was wide open. Shutting it against the offending moisture, I was reminded of the night before.

The moonlight had shone dimly through the window, the shadow of a tree covered the floor. My head had rested on Edward's cool chest and the blanket he insisted be between us. He hummed my lullaby and ran his fingers through my hair, trying to induce my sleep. However, my eyes stayed open, staring at the dark wall across the room, lost in thought.

"What are you thinking?" He whispered.

"I'm just thinking about tomorrow night." His chest rose and fell as he breathed.

"It won't be that bad. Alice isn't intending to do all the things she says. She just misses you." I remained silent, feeling the tips of his fingers brush over my scalp and glide slowly down to the end of my hair, before repeating the action again.

"But that's not what's bothering you, is it?" he stated, more than asked.

He could see through me all to well. Had it been a failed attempt, hiding my true thoughts this past week? I didn't know what to tell him. I wanted to go, but the few times I'd been there since his return were a nightmare. It didn't hold the same magic that it use to.

His hands stopped, and he lifted his head to check that my eyes were still open. They stared at the empty wall.

"Bella?" His low voice spoke softly. "You can tell me anything."

I sighed. _He isn't going to let this go_. I sat up, leaning my back against the headrest. He mirrored me.

I looked down at my clasping hands in my lap. "It just that, whenever I'm at your house. . . I don't feel right."

"What do you mean? Like you're sick?"

"No, not like that." What could I tell him, I didn't even understand it myself. "More like, I remember things that upset me. Things while you were gone."

I could feel his body freeze up at my words. Then quickly he grabbed my fidgeting hands, lifting them to his lips and forcing me to look at him. With wide eyes and lips set in a grim line, he began his one thousandth apology.

"I'm so sorry, you don't have to come over. I didn't realize how hard it is for you to be there. No wonder you left so quickly last week. I'm an idiot, I should have thought." He shook his head as he chastised himself. "I'm sorry, Bella."

 _So_ _over-dramatic_ , I thought, _I hardly said anything_. "Edward, it's fine." He leaned into the hand I used to cup his face, inhaling my sweet scent. "I still want to come over. Please forget I said anything."

His forehead puckered. "I don't want to bring you anywhere that upsets you."

"But I really do want to spend time with Alice and see Esme too." _Why am I lying to him?_ "It's still an adjustment, that's all."

His wide eyes darted back and forth between mine, trying to read my true feelings. I gazed into his, urging him to calm down. "Please don't be anxious." I mustered up my best smile as the muscles in his face relaxed, stroking my thumb over his cheekbones.

Yet, the light in his eyes did not return. Shame and guilt danced behind his pupils. He was drowning again. I hated to see him like this.

I did what I could. Laying myself back into a sleeping position, wrapping what I could around him and professing my love.

But it had all seemed unfair. _Why am I always the one comforting him?_

I left the memory behind as I picked up my bag, shut my bedroom door and joined Alice downstairs.

Thankfully Alice could keep up the conversation without too much input from me. We threw around some movie ideas to watch tonight. I suggested safe classics like _Hamlet_ and _Gone With the Wind_. Alice was enthusiastic about the latter. "Sometimes I like to pretend Jasper is Ashley Wilkes," she giggled. "He was in the confederate army, you know."

As the well kept, three story house came into view my heartbeat quickened and palms became clammy. Alice said nothing about it as she parked the car, nor when I took a deep breath before stepping out. _I said I wanted this. Be brave. Smile._

"I think we should start with your hair," Alice began as we approached the porch. I zoned out almost immediately when she started on the fine details, all I needed to do was sit there.

Edward was waiting on the other side of the door, with a welcoming kiss on the cheek and ready to take my bags.

I was pulled towards the kitchen by Alice's small, dainty hand. "Let me return this to you before we get started."

Emmett sat at the small, round table in the corner of the kitchen with a laptop in front of him. One arm was draped over the back of his chair, he wiggled his eyebrow and exposed his teeth while grinning mischievously at me.

"Bella, I'm glad you're here. I've been doing some research for you," he said.

I mimicked his expression. His lighthearted mood was always uplifting. "Really? And what is that?" His gaze shifted to the counter where Alice stood.

Sitting in plain sight in the middle of the kitchen island was my bottle of Spiced Rum and bag of pre-rolled joints. My bug-eyed, blushing red face showed my mortification. They said they would give it back, but I thought they would have discretely left it under my floorboard, not flaunt it like a peace treaty to the whole house.

"I've been researching different drinks I could make you." Emmett now leaned against the island counter, still giving me that playful smirk.

"And I was thinking," Alice's sweet voice chimed in. "You might enjoy your make-over more this way." My eyebrows shot up. _That's not a bad idea_.

I looked between their two approving expressions and the appealing brown bottle. _Isn't this exactly what I'm trying to avoid?_ I wondered. _But taking the edge off might be helpful._ The smile I would have to fake was inevitable, but happiness was more easily achieved with this aid.

Frozen in indecision, my eyes darted between the two figures and the bottle on the counter, trying to make up my mind. A cold hand pressed against the small of my back causing me to jump slightly.

"I placed your belongings in my room." The loving warmth of Edward's voice grabbed my attention.

"Edward, tell her it's okay." Emmett insisted. "I want to make her a drink." He winked at me.

Appearing bored, Edward complied. "I stand by what I said, I don't mind what you do."

As if his approval was what they were waiting for, Alice began pulling things from the fridge, while Emmett rattled off the names of various cocktails I had never heard. I was bothered that they didn't wait for my consent, inadvertently stealing my choice.

However, by the time I was seated in Alice's torture chamber, I was glad to have it. After my second drink, I actually started enjoying myself. The joy that lit up in Alice's face when I asked her to put in a hairclip a found particularly pretty, was unlike any expression I had ever seen on her before. It was as if she might have began crying with pride.

Soon enough she finished, and we rejoined Edward downstairs to begin a movie. I wandered into the kitchen just as Esme was pulling a small personal pizza out of the oven. I made a B-line towards it, clapping in sheer pleasure.

"Ah, you're the best Esme! I love you." The hot pizza sizzled on the pan; its aroma enticing my taste buds. The cheese was slightly burnt, just how I liked it. I didn't realize I was hungry until I walked in here.

"Careful dear, it's still hot." Esme's sweet voice warned. "You'll have to wait a few minutes."

The bottle of rum lay on the counter across from me as a waited, but I thought better of it when I started regaling Esme on the spider I had a run in with the other day.

"It was terrible Esme! It was dangling from the ceiling, it's creepy little legs wiggling around." She chuckled. "I had to cover my head and keep looking up for the rest of the day." I demonstrated by putting my hands over my head and searching upwards.

"I'm sorry sweetie." Her teeth gleamed as the corner of her lips pulled up to meet her eyes. She found me entertaining. "Maybe Edward could bug bomb the house for you."

Realizing that I was becoming embarrassingly chatty, I made my leave from the kitchen. But, before getting far Alice handed me another drink.

"Uh, no thanks, I'm good," I told her gratefully. It was nice that they trusted me and that this wouldn't continue to be an issue between us, but I still had to reign myself in. I didn't want to give Emmett anymore reason to make fun of me.

Her vision filled eyes came into focus and she gave me a confused and disappointed look. "Are you sure? I wouldn't let you get sick, and I already have it pored."

I ogled the glass. Two ice cubes bobbled in the dark liquid, and condensation ran down the side. The warm, jolly felling that radiated from my stomach was addictive. _One more won't hurt_ , I shrugged and accepted it.

Edward was eyeing Alice with heavy looks of suspicion as we joined him in front of the television. Glancing between her and the glass in my hand he asked, "What are you up to?"

"Nothing," she answered, scrunching her face in innocent offence. "I just want Bella to know she is safe to do any human thing she wants here. We love her." She threw her arm around my shoulder, giving me a side hug.

He didn't seem convinced but dropped the subject nonetheless.

My filter disintegrated, and enthusiasm increased as Alice kept my glass full. I voiced my minute desires thoughtlessly, and they were met quickly. Whether it be for a blanket, to hear Edward's piano playing or simply to be in another room, they appeased me like a spoiled grandchild.

Eventually, we were dancing around the living room to some artist I wanted to hear. Limply I laid in Edward's arms, letting him guide us as we twirled to the tempo. I felt warm in his icy embrace, he was the only one I could enjoy dancing with. We maintained our recreation past the first CD. A softer album was put on in its place.

My eyes closed, and I rested my head against Edward's shoulder, swaying as a familiar tune came on. It was a song we had danced to at prom. I thought back to that evening, comparing it to now. As clumsy and cast burdened as I was that night, I felt completely secure. Pure love poured out of me like water out of a fountain. Same song. Same arms. So similar, yet, different.

"Are you ready to sleep?" Edward's whisper tickled my ear.

"No," I answered, opening my eyes and willing myself to stay awake. I did not want this to end. "It's so close to perfect. Almost just like it used to be."

"What's different?" He questioned. I paused to consider, and the honest answer came out before I could stop it.

"I hate you."

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 **P.S. I love reviews.**


	12. Confessions

**Thank you for waiting, I'm very excited to share this chapter with all of you.**

 **Thank you to my Beta Kayozm, for her time in reviewing my work :)**

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 **Chapter 12**

 **Bella's POV**

"I hate you." The words flatly came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. Edward froze; our swaying ceased. My head stayed rested on his marble shoulder, staring blankly ahead and speaking to the empty room.

"Everything has changed." My hollow voice echoed off the walls. "I just want it to be like it use to be, but it can't. . ." My words drifted off as all the thoughts I had pushed down resurfaced. "You ruined everything."

Slowly, I pulled back to meet his wide eyes. His grip on my waist didn't loosen, but seemed firmer, as if he was afraid to let go. "No matter how hard I try. . . it's not enough."

Hopelessness shot through me like a cold chill as the reality of my words crashed over me. _It's not enough. I can't fix this._ I was a fool to think I could bring back the girl I use to be. That girl was dead.

The music still played in the background, but all the world around us had fallen apart. I angrily pushed against his chest, demanding my release. His arms fell to his side, dejected. He was the one who had killed her. He had driven a knife through her heart that day in the forest, and left her to bleed out on the cold, hard ground.

I narrowed my eyes in disgust at the murderer before me. "It's all your fault!" I spat. Lashing out and letting my temper rise faster than a NASA space rocket. I was all that was left now, a girl with a cold and lifeless heart. Could I ever love again? How could either of us think that everything would be okay?

"You abandoned me. After everything we went through, you just left like that," I snapped my fingers. My fierce eyes glowered at him from below my creased brow.

"You told me you didn't want me, made me believe I wasn't good enough. You made me question everything I thought I knew." I raked my hand through my hair, tugging at it in indignation.

"Do you have any idea what you put me through!" I cried.

His arms hung limply at his side and shoulders slumped. His teeth were clenched, and lips parted, forming a small gape. His eyebrows slanted upwards and eyes glistened with many woeful emotions.

The words I threw at him came back into my ears, hitting me with their clarity. _It's not okay. I'm not okay._ My despair eclipsed my rage for a short moment. I glared at my feet, whispering, "I can't talk to you. I can't trust you."

"I'm so sorr—"

"Shut up!" His voice ignited me like lighter fluid on a campfire. "Why do you get to be the one who feels bad all the time? You're the one who did this, it was your choice." I jerked my arm towards him. "Ugh, why am I not allowed to be the upset one!"

"You have every right to be upset and angry." His steady voice tried to pacify me, but I could see the face of that damn drowning man. Whose pain, guilt and shame came before my feelings.

"Oh, fuck you!" His brows perked in surprise. His words were patronizing. "Fuck all of you!" I turned around, flipping off the ceiling in various directions. "Fuck Alice, fuck Emmett, and fuck Carlisle! You all just left! You didn't even say goodbye." My throat swelled and voice broke as I flung my arms down.

"You really are monsters!" I yelled, turning back around. "What you did _killed_ me, and I hate you for it."

That look on his face returned ten folds as I accused him of being what he always believed.

 _I hate that face._ The rage building inside me boiled over. _If he is going to make it then I'll give him a reason to_.

My expression was screwed up as I turned and stormed out the front door.

"Where are you going?" He followed close behind as I headed towards the garage.

I'm not sure when he realized what I was doing. If it was when I opened the garage door, or when he tuned into Alice's vision, or when I picked up the crowbar from the neatly organized wall of tools, but that face I hated was gone by the time I started smashing his beloved Aston Martin.

I took the first whack at the windshield, repeating my swing until I got the desired effect. The sound of shattering glass hitting the car interior and hood was music to my ears. I went to work on the side mirrors next, grunting my hatred. The sound of metal on metal echoing through our silent surroundings.

"Stupid asshole!" The mirror broke clean off.

"Liar!" I smashed the front blinker.

"You abandoned me!" I made dents in the engine hood.

My arms grew tired and I dropped the crowbar, panting. I studied the damage. Gaping holes stood where the windows use to be, glass blanketed the ground and seats inside, and dents covered the front like it had been hit by hail.

Edward was also surveying my work. His deadpan face raked over his baby. His low lids shading his cold, dark eyes. But when he shifted his gaze back to me, that self-loathing look came back.

"No!" I bellowed, storming up to him. _I hate that face!_ "Why aren't you angry? Why can't I say or do a single thing without you getting that guilty, sad, pathetic look on your face?" I desperately needed to know.

"Because everything you said is true." He spoke slowly. "I did this. I ruined everything. I'm a monster and you should hate me." His voice was dead and hollow, there was no light or spark in his eyes.

Moisture hung in the air, a testament to the approaching rain. Thick clouds blocked the moon, the only light emanating from the house. A black silhouette posed at a window on the second floor. Edward's white skin stood out against the darkness like a ghost.

Two minutes passed as we stood in silence, a few feet apart. What could I do to make him understand? I didn't want his guilt.

The only sounds were the jagged sobs coming from me. Until he whispered the last thing I wanted to hear.

"I'm sorry." I clenched my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, expelling the tears that had not yet formed.

Fleeing from him, towards the house, I choked, "I wish you would stop saying that."

I felt the first drop of rain hit my head and then my cheek. His light footsteps were inaudible behind my chunky thumps. He spoke in desperation, "I don't understand. Do you not want me to be sorry? Do you want me to take joy in the pain I've caused you?"

I halted, wailing. "No . . . I . . . I . . ." What did I want? I didn't want him to be happy about all this.

"I want . . . I want _not_ to hate you. I want _only_ to love you. Because I _do_ love you Edward. I never stopped loving you. I can't stop." I stared at my shaking hands. "I don't want to be this hateful, angry person. _I'm_ the monster!" My voice broke as I bawled the words.

The raindrops picked up their speed, falling quickly and coating our hair.

"I mean who does _that_ to someone they love?" I gestured towards his vandalized vehicle.

"You think it's so terrible living a hundred years and never changing." I balled my fists, and glowered at him. "Well I'll tell you, changing isn't great! It's horrible to be a broken piece of garbage, only a fraction of the person you were before. Not being able to recognize yourself in the mirror, and knowing, no matter what you do you can _never_ go back." I began sobbing into my hands.

He embraced me, cradling my head into his chest. "You're not a monster." He consoled me, rubbing soothing circles into my dampening sweater.

"Yes I am. You don't know what I think. You'd leave again if you knew."

"No I wouldn't," His voice was flat and firm. Moving his hand to hold my face, he gazed deep into my eyes. "Bella, I will not leave you again unless you tell me to leave." His hard stare held mine. "I want to know everything you think, the good and the bad. I love you no matter what."

"But you never listen, you just start saying sorry. That makes me feel worse." I extracted my face from his hands.

"I didn't know you felt that way. I'll work on it. Please." He drew closer to me again, trying to make some sort of contact.

"I'm not the same person." My voice was weak.

"Yes, you've changed, I know that, but you're still the girl I love."

"No. You're not listening." I took another step back, wrapping my arms around myself. "I'm not that girl anymore. She's dead." I stared at the muddy ground, shaking my head and feeling the rain slid down the back of my neck. "You don't know me at all."

"Then let me know you." He moved closer to me, raising his arms mid-way. "Please, I know it will take time, but I need you."

 _Time_ , I thought as I closed my eyes wincing. I wanted to believe him.

Three seconds passed in silence. He started to speak again, but I cut him off.

"Make me the promise that you never would." The words echoed through the pounding rain that surrounded us. He comprehended my request. His brow knitted, and his lips pursed, confirming my biggest fear.

He wouldn't change me. He didn't want me forever. He would leave again.

I had told myself this would happen from the very beginning. Barred myself against believing his love and warned my heart against going back, but somewhere hope grew. The hope that I was wrong, that we could have each other for eternity.

Now that hope shattered as he stood there, dropping his head and making no such promise. My throat swelled, and my hand grasped at my chest, gasping for air. I collapsed in a stupor, yanking my hair in agony. The tears that streamed down my cheeks mixed with the rain, and the mud puddles were far from my mind.

I was void of the world around me, only recognizing Edward's presence when the icy chill of his body engulfed me. On the ground in front of the porch steps, the same spot I had cried uncontrollably a few weeks before, he coddled me in his lap. Rocking and cooing me like a fussy child until the darkness engulfed me.

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 **Only one chapter left. I am starting to work on a new, happier story and am looking for a beta for it. Please PM me if willing.**

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Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Twilight. All characters, stories and rights belong to Stephanie Meyer.

I also need to give credit to Taylor Swift, whose analogies I've sometimes used.


	13. Selfless

**Thank you to everyone who has followed my story, this is the last chapter.**

 **Thanks again to my beta Kayozm who has been a tremendous help. Please check out her stories, they're great!**

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 **Chapter 13 Selfless**

 **Edward's POV**

The morning glow penetrated my room as the sun began to rise through the cloudy sky. My angel slept beside me.

I had pulled her inside before it had started pouring. However, she was so consumed by her fervour, there was a slim chance she had noticed.

Only Esme had dared approach the scene, trying to give what she could. "Take this," she said, handing me a blanket. With a furrowed brow she watched as Bella shook and clung to my shirt, making it impossible to keep the blanket in place. The memory of Bella clutching herself on our kitchen floor a few weeks ago played behind her doleful eyes as I sank down to the floor. Taking the blanket, I cradled her in it like a small child.

Esme stood for a minute, her hands raised midway, considering all the things she could do. She resigned herself to sitting on the stairs, being close and waiting to be needed. Carlisle joined her, and together their combined thoughts unintentionally bombarded me.

 _It's only natural for her to be upset. Teenage humans go through this kind of thing all the time. She'll move on. But what does this mean for us? What if she doesn't want us in her life anymore? What would Edward do?_

They remembered my quickness to anger: all the TVs, furniture, walls and trees I had smashed when I lost an argument, and all the over-protective glares I had given my loved ones since Bella had entered my life. They recalled my depression: all the days I had locked myself in my room, plagued by the guilt of those I had killed and of what I was. How I had spent the last 9 months in isolation, dodging their calls and starving myself in the dirty attic of an abandoned house. How the family I had left behind was scarcely held together.

The words that Bella had said echoed through their minds. " _It's all your fault," "You really are monsters," "I hate you."_

"Stop it," I growled, glowering at them. My arms wrapped tighter around the sobbing girl. I didn't need to hear it again.

They came to themselves as if they had not realized their surroundings, and with pitying looks, vacated the area. _She was drunk and upset,_ Esme consoled _, it doesn't mean you can't work it out. She said so herself, she loves you._

Eventually, Bella's sobs quieted as her exhaustion took hold of her; I carried her up the stairs. Alice sat, like a statue, on the steps between the second and third floor, a change of clothes in her hand. For once, her thoughts did not search the future but rather replayed the words and events from the last hours.

"You knew this would happen. You encouraged it." I stated flatly. She didn't hide her intentions now.

"It had to happen." She spoke with the same emotionless voice as mine. "Things will get better now." Her frozen form finally moved, looking up at the sleeping girl in my arms. She saw laughter and smiles in Bella's future. Not like the smiles of her past-these ones never reached her eyes-but still, a future worth having. A better future than she had been seeing recently.

Memories of old visions flashed through her mind. Visions that were long gone, happy paths Bella and I could have walked that were now impossible. She mourned for the futures Bella could no longer have. _I'm sorry_ , she thought, _I wish I could give you more_.

I thought the same. All I had wanted was to give her more, to give her a chance at life. Yet, at every turn I seemed to have taken more. Stealing her sanity, her peace of mind, her humanity and her future. And still, she wanted me to take her soul. Could I ever do the right thing?

I gazed at the sleeping angel in my arms. Her hair and clothes were wet, dampening the blanket around her. There were spots of dirt in her hair and face. Soft eyelids concealed the red, puffy damage from her crying. The skin around her eyes was swollen, and heavy, purple bags hung below. Her skin looked so pale and fragile, tight against her cheekbones. Yet, despite her unhealthy appearance, her expression was peaceful in her deep slumber.

"Let me see her." Alice gestured, wanting to change her into dry clothes. "I'll be quick." I had reluctantly complied and trudged up the stairs at a slow, human pace.

As my room lightened with the morning, Bella began to stir in her sleep. She restlessly tossed and moaned in discomfort until she slowly pulled apart her eyelids, squinting at the ceiling.

I was prepared, offering her a glass of water and some ibuprofen. She sat up as if in a trance, consuming the medication and thumping back down on the pillows. She continued sleeping.

All the time, I contemplated and reflected on her words.

She hated me, just as she should. I had thought from the beginning that she must hate me, but to hear her say it was completely different. It was suffocating, like the life raft popping after the shipwreck. She finally saw me as a monster.

What was worse was that I caused her to believe that she, herself was a monster. It was a grotesquely saddening idea. She had changed, that was true. It was what I wanted when I left. For her to have the opportunity to be different, to grow, but not like this.

The pieces of herself that she was forced to pick up alone didn't fit together the same way. The cracks were her sense of unworthiness, the scratches were her self-disgust, and the sharp jaded edges were her stabbing pains, all ripping into her heart and mutilating her spirit.

She'd been trying so hard to go back, hiding what she felt and thought. It wasn't fair, she was innocent. Only I was to blame. I deserve to suffer for these sins. I deserved her harsh words, and the destruction of my car. I would endure it again and again if it would alleviate her pain. It wasn't fair to her, she shouldn't have to go through this alone. I wish she would tell me, I wish she would let me in.

 _But she has_ , I realized. She tried to tell me last night, but I didn't listen. Many times, her eyes would glisten with a plea for understanding before running away, faking a smile, or forcing a lie. I didn't understand why she wouldn't tell me, but now it seemed obvious.

No more, I vowed. I could listen. I could understand and give her comfort. She won't go through this alone. I will commit every day to becoming a better man, someone that might be deserving of her.

As if the heavens had heard my declaration, the clouds parted and a ray of light landed on Bella's facel, waking her. She rolled to her side and opened her eyes.

"Good morning." I smiled, making sure to erase all traces of guilt and shame from my face. I would show her only the love that she needed.

She blinked at me, saying nothing. I held my loving stare with her empty one.

"What are you thinking?" I asked, but she remained silent, gazing off into nothingness now. I waited; I could be patient. Give her time to compose her thoughts. However, minutes passed, and it became apparent that she was not going to answer.

What was the right thing to say? How could we move past this impasse?

"I feel relieved," I said, bringing her attention back to me. "About last night, I mean."

Her brow furrowed. I scooched down from the headboard I'd been leaning against and lied beside her, face to face.

"I meant it when I said I want to know everything you think, the good and the bad. Thank you for telling me last night." I showed her my gratitude for her honesty, hiding the pain that her words had inflicted.

Her bug-eyed expression showed her shock and confusion. Her mouth opened and closed as she tried to find words to respond. Finally settling on saying nothing. So, I continued.

"Our love can't ever be the same, I see that now. I wasn't here and you changed. I can't take it back just as you can't forget, but we're both here now." Her eyes softened and I trailed my finger along her cheekbone. "It may take some time, but I believe we can grow a new love. Not exactly like our love before, but just as strong. We can get through this together." Alice's visions be damned, who was she to say that our lost future would have been better. We will make a new, better future.

She still said nothing, but many emotions crossed her face. She hid her gaze. The corner of her lips pulled down and a crease formed between her brows. She clenched her teeth and squeezed her eyes. Sighing and then peeking back at me for a moment. She sat up, pursed her lips then resolved to staring blankly out the window. She still said nothing.

"What are you thinking?" I asked again, sitting myself back up too. Her silence was killing me.

Slowly she turned her vacant eyes on me. "I can't keep doing this Edward." My name was cold on her tongue. It scared me.

"It's all or nothing." She said.

"What do you mean?" I was missing something crucial.

"I can't keep trying at this—" her finger motioned between us two, "—if it's not going anywhere." She sighed. "I love you, and I want to spend forever with you. No matter what the cost, I'm willing to give up everything for us, but if you aren't, then this needs to stop."

Why did it always come back to this? I couldn't take her soul.

"This isn't enough. Either you keep me forever, or –" she paused, "—this is the last day you ever see me."

Time slowed. Her eyes were hard and determined as she gave me her ultimatum; she meant it. I was fear stricken by the idea of losing her again. Walking away the first time had crushed me, I could not do it a second time. My existence was meaningless without her.

Yet, I could not do what she wanted.

"It's your choice." She stated with finality.

I looked into her empty brown eyes as she prepared herself for my answer. I had a choice. Which did I want? Which could I live with?

I wanted to give her all that life had to offer, which required that she stay human. I wanted her to go to college, get married, have children and grow old. I wanted this for her because I loved her.

But, the girl I loved was right here, telling me what she wanted, and she didn't want these things. She wanted an immortal life as a vampire, a damned existence. Was it selfish of me not to give her what she wanted? Did loving her give me the right to decide what was best for her?

I stared into the brown human eyes I adored. If she became like me, I would never see them again. If she didn't, the years of seeing them would still be limited. If I got 50-60 years of looking into her human eyes would it be enough? Yes, I was okay with that. I would be marking my own death date along side hers, but that was enough for me. I've lived a long time and there would be no point after she was gone.

However, from what she was saying, if I denied her wishes then she would hide those eyes from me for the rest of her life. The idea stirred a tense, heated feeling in the pit of my stomach, I held back a growl. I could not part with her now.

Then that left me no choice but to change her. How selfish could I be to steal her humanity just so I wouldn't have to part with her? It was wrong.

I thought about my family, I knew what they wanted. They wanted our family intact and me alive.

Esme and Carlisle would be grief stricken without me. Carlisle had given me a second chance at life. He had chosen me as his companion and reprioritized his morals and values with me in mind. He overlooked my sins, desiring my safety and happiness. Esme provided the loving embrace and comforting words I had always needed. My happiness was often at the forefront of her mind, eagerly waiting for me to find a mate. Their memories from last night reminded me of what my absence had caused when I decided to go out on my own in the 1920's. The parents that had comforted and forgiven, who had extended patience and loyalty, were not the same when I was gone.

I thought about Rosalie, my first sibling, my sister. She held human life as the golden standard and agreed it was the best for Bella. Yet, even she could forgive me if I were to steal Bella's chance at life. For as much as we butted heads, she loved me and wanted to see me happy. Her thoughts over the past few weeks reflected her preference forthe man I was with Bella overthe one I was without her.

Emmett and Jasper wanted Bella to be changed too. Emmett, having been chosen to join our family by Rosalie's love, related and felt for Bella unlike the rest of us. He regarded his eternal life with his mate as a blessing and understood why Bella wanted it too. Jasper, who also did not view immortality negatively, thought Bella completed our coven and brought peace to the household. If only we could remove the blood lust and fragility of her human presence.

Then there was Alice, whose mind was set on the vision she had long ago. Running at vampire speed with her best friend at her side. Bella's transformation was inevitable in her eyes. Her words from the kitchen the day we returned to Forks echoed in my head, ' _This is the worst decision you have EVER made in your life. Your actions have not only hurt Bella and yourself but everyone in this family!_ ' She was right. When I left, I was doing what I wanted. I knew better then to bet against Alice, but could I bet against my own selfishness?

It seemed I was the only one who wanted her to stay human. Yet despite all that, I was still not persuaded. My family would endure whatever was best for Bella. Why was I the only one considering the moral implications of her change?

I continued staring into her chocolate eyes. Hardly a second had passed as a contemplated her ultimatum. Yet ever so slightly, I could see her eyes darken. If I said no, this could be the last time I saw them. I could feel our time waning as the faint spark inside her iris grew dimmer, pulling with them my very life. Her sense of resignation choking me into a panic.

"I don't know what the right thing to do is." I blurted out in desperation.

"Say 'yes,'" She muttered dryly, her droopy glaze on the bed sheets.

She said this was my choice but maybe it wasn't. Maybe the right thing wasn't about making the right choice. Maybe being selfless isn't about giving up what you want, but rather giving others what they want. I knew what my loved ones wanted. This choice wasn't about me.

"Okay." I told her. I could be selfless. "I'll change you. Whenever you want." The brown orbs I adored shot back up, and from them came something I had not seen in a long time. The spark I had just watched fade came slowly back and her eyes widened. Love and trust and especially hope now shined through my angel's eyes, glistening as they stared straight into mine. It was the look she had given me our first time in the meadow and each time she had pronounced her love for me. It was the look I vowed to never let fade again.

I was all in.

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